One of our daughters had one of those friends that you wish would move to Wisconsin or somewhere else far away. This little eighth grade buddy of our daughter Sally was always saying things we wished she wouldn’t hear, giving her ideas we wished she hadn’t thought of and bragging about things she could do that we didn’t allow our daughter to do.
One day she told Sally that she got $100. for every A on her report card, and Sally, of course, brought it to our immediate and urgent attention.
We had always had a thing against paying for grades. It was not a part of our family economy, and it seemed like such an artificial motivation and a bad substitute for an understanding of the lifetime “real value” of education.
But it sounded pretty good to Sally!
We thought about it for a couple of days and sort of blundered on to an answer that actually worked beyond our expectations.
I started looking up studies I had heard about regarding education-based variables in people’s earning potential and found that in that particular year, the median annual income (in round numbers) for people without a high school degree was $25,000, for those with a high school degree it was 35,000, for those with a college degree it was 56,000, and for those with a professional graduate degree it was over 100,000.
I shared these numbers with Sally, and we talked about the connections between grades and getting into colleges, getting into really good colleges, and going to graduate school. She must have done a little thinking about it, because I from the back seat of the car pool a few days later, I heard this conversation:
Sally: How much is it that you get for every A?
Friend: $100.00. How much do you get?
Sally: Well, I actually get like $75,000.00 every year for the rest of my life if I get mostly A’s
Her explanation of that to her friend was not very complete, and I’m not sure the friend got it. But the point is that Sally got it, and her motivation for working for good grades was based on real numbers from the real world rather than on some form of parental bribery.
And it was also kind of fun to hear her little know-it-all friend become fairly speechless for once in her life.
One of our daughters had one of those friends that you wish would move to Wisconsin or somewhere else far away. This little eighth grade buddy of our daughter Sally was always saying things we wished she wouldn’t hear, giving her ideas we wished she hadn’t thought of and bragging about things she could do that we didn’t allow our daughter to do.
One day she told Sally that she got $100. for every A on her report card, and Sally, of course, brought it to our immediate and urgent attention.
We had always had a thing against paying for grades. It was not a part of our family economy, and it seemed like such an artificial motivation and a bad substitute for an understanding of the lifetime “real value” of education.
But it sounded pretty good to Sally!
We thought about it for a couple of days and sort of blundered on to an answer that actually worked beyond our expectations.
I started looking up studies I had heard about regarding education-based variables in people’s earning potential and found that in that particular year, the median annual income (in round numbers) for people without a high school degree was $25,000, for those with a high school degree it was 35,000, for those with a college degree it was 56,000, and for those with a professional graduate degree it was over 100,000.
I shared these numbers with Sally, and we talked about the connections between grades and getting into colleges, getting into really good colleges, and going to graduate school. She must have done a little thinking about it, because I from the back seat of the car pool a few days later, I heard this conversation:
Sally: How much is it that you get for every A?
Friend: $100.00. How much do you get?
Sally: Well, I actually get like $75,000.00 every year for the rest of my life if I get mostly A’s
Her explanation of that to her friend was not very complete, and I’m not sure the friend got it. But the point is that Sally got it, and her motivation for working for good grades was based on real numbers from the real world rather than on some form of parental bribery.
And it was also kind of fun to hear her little know-it-all friend become fairly speechless for once in her life.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
“How can I protect my kids?”
Instilling a sense of ownership in our children with regard to their physical bodies may be the best answer to one of the most common of all parental questions, “How can I protect my kids?”
This is an area where “learning by trial and error and by personal experience” is the worst of all possible methods. We must try to tie ownership of the body directly to ownership of values, choices and goals and to find “vicarious” methods of examples, case studies and talking things through in advance that will give children the strong desire to care for and protect their own bodies.
This is an area where “learning by trial and error and by personal experience” is the worst of all possible methods. We must try to tie ownership of the body directly to ownership of values, choices and goals and to find “vicarious” methods of examples, case studies and talking things through in advance that will give children the strong desire to care for and protect their own bodies.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
http://www.blogger.com/home
The real key to giving children a positive, happy sense of ownership of their own body is to focus on the wonder and beauty of the physical and to make the body the subject of respect and awe. This works so much better than negative, fear-based approaches.
A good analogy that many parents have used successfully with their children is that of a horse and a bridle. Simple discussions with fairly young kids can build around questions like this:
How much do you weigh son?
Do you know how much a horse weighs?
About 10 times as much as you! And how strong do you think horses are?
Then let me ask you this. How can people ride horses and make them do what the rider wants?
A bridle is an interesting thing. It has a bit that goes between the horses teeth, and you can make them turn or stop or do what you want with just a gentle pull on the reigns. Isn’t that cool?
Now here’s the thing: Our appetites are kind of like horses. What are some of our appetites? For what?
Are these appetites pretty strong?
So just like with the horse, what might we need?
What could be a “bridle” for our appetite for food? What could be a “bridle” for our appetite to just sleep all day? What could be a bridle for our appetite to try drugs? What could be a bridle for our appetite to try sex while we are still too young?
If you are intrigued by this “bridling” metaphor, a whole book is available on it, written by someone with the pseudonym of “Dr. Bridell” which you can find on Amazon.
The Car Analogy
For many kids, an interest in cars starts early, and peaks as it gets close to the time when they can drive. So car analogies often work.
What determines how long a car will last?
What do we have to put into a car?
How do impurities affect it?
What can ruin the paint?
How do we fix it?
The analogies are endless.
A good analogy that many parents have used successfully with their children is that of a horse and a bridle. Simple discussions with fairly young kids can build around questions like this:
How much do you weigh son?
Do you know how much a horse weighs?
About 10 times as much as you! And how strong do you think horses are?
Then let me ask you this. How can people ride horses and make them do what the rider wants?
A bridle is an interesting thing. It has a bit that goes between the horses teeth, and you can make them turn or stop or do what you want with just a gentle pull on the reigns. Isn’t that cool?
Now here’s the thing: Our appetites are kind of like horses. What are some of our appetites? For what?
Are these appetites pretty strong?
So just like with the horse, what might we need?
What could be a “bridle” for our appetite for food? What could be a “bridle” for our appetite to just sleep all day? What could be a bridle for our appetite to try drugs? What could be a bridle for our appetite to try sex while we are still too young?
If you are intrigued by this “bridling” metaphor, a whole book is available on it, written by someone with the pseudonym of “Dr. Bridell” which you can find on Amazon.
The Car Analogy
For many kids, an interest in cars starts early, and peaks as it gets close to the time when they can drive. So car analogies often work.
What determines how long a car will last?
What do we have to put into a car?
How do impurities affect it?
What can ruin the paint?
How do we fix it?
The analogies are endless.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Relationship Goals
SUCCESS magazine asked us recently to write some columns and blogs for them and we replied that we would do it only if they would let us make an effort to redefine what “success” really is. (Most of their magazine is about wealth-building and career development, and we wanted to suggest that real and lasting success is more about relationships and family solidarity.)
They agreed, and we began to write about how goals can be just as effectively set for family and for relationships in the home as they can for achievements and accomplishments at work. Our formula centered on writing descriptions of an individual relationship with another family member as you would like it to be five years from now.
Even most accomplished adult goal-setters fail to realize how powerful a “relationship goal” can be. Instead of dealing with some kind of measurable achievement, a relationship goal focuses on improving a particular relationship with another family member or loved one.
And the vehicle for a relationship goal is a descriptive qualitative paragraph instead of a quantitative chart.
Relationship goals take imagination, so kids are often better at setting them than adults. The idea is to write a short description of the relationship you want to have with another family member five years from now. It can become a powerful shaper of the communication and bonds within a family!
One mom who tried this found that her two kids were better at it than she was. The three of them sat down on a Sunday afternoon in 2009, and each, on a piece of paper, tried to write down a “relationship goal” for the other two. The nine year old girl wrote”
“It is 2014, and I am fourteen. My brother is sixteen. He can drive now and he drives me to school. We enjoy being together because I am good at telling him what girls think. He looks after me. We tell each other everything and we trust each other. He helps me decide what classes to take and I help him with his math because I am better at it than he is. We are each other’s best friends.”
Whether these relationship descriptions ever come fully true or not, they can have a guiding influence on how kids view each other and communicate with each other (and with their parents!) They are a form of goal setting that is well worth the writing time in a couple of family meetings!
They agreed, and we began to write about how goals can be just as effectively set for family and for relationships in the home as they can for achievements and accomplishments at work. Our formula centered on writing descriptions of an individual relationship with another family member as you would like it to be five years from now.
Even most accomplished adult goal-setters fail to realize how powerful a “relationship goal” can be. Instead of dealing with some kind of measurable achievement, a relationship goal focuses on improving a particular relationship with another family member or loved one.
And the vehicle for a relationship goal is a descriptive qualitative paragraph instead of a quantitative chart.
Relationship goals take imagination, so kids are often better at setting them than adults. The idea is to write a short description of the relationship you want to have with another family member five years from now. It can become a powerful shaper of the communication and bonds within a family!
One mom who tried this found that her two kids were better at it than she was. The three of them sat down on a Sunday afternoon in 2009, and each, on a piece of paper, tried to write down a “relationship goal” for the other two. The nine year old girl wrote”
“It is 2014, and I am fourteen. My brother is sixteen. He can drive now and he drives me to school. We enjoy being together because I am good at telling him what girls think. He looks after me. We tell each other everything and we trust each other. He helps me decide what classes to take and I help him with his math because I am better at it than he is. We are each other’s best friends.”
Whether these relationship descriptions ever come fully true or not, they can have a guiding influence on how kids view each other and communicate with each other (and with their parents!) They are a form of goal setting that is well worth the writing time in a couple of family meetings!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Young children are really quite amazing when it comes to goals….because goal setting in its simple forms is a very natural and very instinctive process. Kids can quickly see the connections between what they do and what their results are, and they are empowered by making those connections.
The “Joy School” pre school* curriculum that we created many years ago has a unit called “the joy of order and goal-striving” which focuses on giving three and four year olds experiences which lead to a sense of personal accomplishment and control over parts of their environment. We have had quite remarkable feedback about preschool goal-setting experiences from parents/teachers….
One three year old set his goal to stop sucking his thumb. The timeframe was two weeks, and after the first week he was pretty discouraged. “I just can’t help it!” he said. The second week, we were showing the kids how to make a plan to reach their goal, and this little guy brought his little piece of tattered blanket that he rubbed when he sucked his thumb and said “put this up on the refrigerator and don’t let me have it because if I do, I will never reach my goal.”
Another joy school kid, a four year old girl, set a goal to learn to tie her shoe by herself. We made her a pie chart with eight wedges and she decided to color one in each time she worked on the goal. By the time she had colored in all eight wedges, she could do it, and you have never seen a prouder face!
Once a child has really set a goal of his own—one that has come out of his own head, one that he feels ownership of—a magical transformation takes place; and it is a transformation not only of the child but of you! Instead of his manager (or his Drill Sergeant) you now have become his consultant! You are in a position to say “can I help you with your goal?” The initiative has shifted. Since it is his goal, he is responsible for it, he is invested in it, and he cares about it and is motivated to work for it. And your help becomes something he begins to appreciate and even seek rather than something he resents or is intimidated by.
The “Joy School” pre school* curriculum that we created many years ago has a unit called “the joy of order and goal-striving” which focuses on giving three and four year olds experiences which lead to a sense of personal accomplishment and control over parts of their environment. We have had quite remarkable feedback about preschool goal-setting experiences from parents/teachers….
One three year old set his goal to stop sucking his thumb. The timeframe was two weeks, and after the first week he was pretty discouraged. “I just can’t help it!” he said. The second week, we were showing the kids how to make a plan to reach their goal, and this little guy brought his little piece of tattered blanket that he rubbed when he sucked his thumb and said “put this up on the refrigerator and don’t let me have it because if I do, I will never reach my goal.”
Another joy school kid, a four year old girl, set a goal to learn to tie her shoe by herself. We made her a pie chart with eight wedges and she decided to color one in each time she worked on the goal. By the time she had colored in all eight wedges, she could do it, and you have never seen a prouder face!
Once a child has really set a goal of his own—one that has come out of his own head, one that he feels ownership of—a magical transformation takes place; and it is a transformation not only of the child but of you! Instead of his manager (or his Drill Sergeant) you now have become his consultant! You are in a position to say “can I help you with your goal?” The initiative has shifted. Since it is his goal, he is responsible for it, he is invested in it, and he cares about it and is motivated to work for it. And your help becomes something he begins to appreciate and even seek rather than something he resents or is intimidated by.
Monday, November 21, 2011
“advance decision”
The “advance decision” method for making “right-wrong” decisions has resonated well with parents we have talked with all over the world. Some of the most gratifying feedback we get is from parents who brag a little about the list of decisions their kids have made on the back pages of their journals and how much safer those kids (and the parents) feel now that they have a certain ownership of those choices.
And teaching kids how to analyze and list pros and cons for their multi-alternative decisions gives them a powerful feeling of ownership for the choices they make. This kind of ownership increases commitment and generates a true sense of responsibility and an acceptance of consequences.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Trial and error
I (Richard) am a product of the Harvard Business School, where everything is taught and learned by the case study method, and the whole idea is to put yourself in hypothetical situations with imagined challenges and problems in order to think through in advance the pros and cons of certain actions and to practice decision making and analysis vicariously—to make decisions with a cool head and with proper calculations and ahead of time rather than at the moment of pressure and urgency. If grownups need this kind of training and preventative medicine, why not give the same thing to our children?!
Trial and error is one of the worst (and most painful) ways to learn and to choose. We should do everything possible to help our kids avoid the pain and to think things through in advance when they can be calm and analytical and can apply their best thinking and their best instincts to things. And the best way we have found to do that is this “Decisions in Advance” method. It literally gives kids ownership because they have thought through the choice and made it, therefore, they own it. It is theirs. And because they own it, they will be inclined to protect it and to keep it. It is not a guarantee, but it is a valuable barrier that will be one more line of protection between our kids and the ever growing array of mistakes that are laid out so attractively before them.
The case study or decision in advance methodology does not only apply to the avoidance of bad choices. It can also be helpful in making good and potential-fulfilling choices before the less beneficial detours become evident and distracting in our kids lives. For example, the decisions in advance list might include “To graduate from college” or “To find a way to help the disadvantaged”. One teenager signed and dated and decided in advance to sit by someone in the high school lunch room once a week who was by themselves or looked like they needed a friend” It is amazing what kids come up with when presented with the opportunity (and with the encouragement of a praising and interested parent).
Using this idea with mid to older teens is not nearly as easy or simple, but it can still often be extremely useful. With older adolescents it usually requires some “personal testimonial” from a parent like “You know, I wish I had done this kind of thinking more when I was your age. We all make some choices we wish we could change, but we can sometimes start over and decide how we will do something from now on. I still do that, in fact, I have some “decisions in advance” I have made as an adult, and I want share them with you .”
Trial and error is one of the worst (and most painful) ways to learn and to choose. We should do everything possible to help our kids avoid the pain and to think things through in advance when they can be calm and analytical and can apply their best thinking and their best instincts to things. And the best way we have found to do that is this “Decisions in Advance” method. It literally gives kids ownership because they have thought through the choice and made it, therefore, they own it. It is theirs. And because they own it, they will be inclined to protect it and to keep it. It is not a guarantee, but it is a valuable barrier that will be one more line of protection between our kids and the ever growing array of mistakes that are laid out so attractively before them.
The case study or decision in advance methodology does not only apply to the avoidance of bad choices. It can also be helpful in making good and potential-fulfilling choices before the less beneficial detours become evident and distracting in our kids lives. For example, the decisions in advance list might include “To graduate from college” or “To find a way to help the disadvantaged”. One teenager signed and dated and decided in advance to sit by someone in the high school lunch room once a week who was by themselves or looked like they needed a friend” It is amazing what kids come up with when presented with the opportunity (and with the encouragement of a praising and interested parent).
Using this idea with mid to older teens is not nearly as easy or simple, but it can still often be extremely useful. With older adolescents it usually requires some “personal testimonial” from a parent like “You know, I wish I had done this kind of thinking more when I was your age. We all make some choices we wish we could change, but we can sometimes start over and decide how we will do something from now on. I still do that, in fact, I have some “decisions in advance” I have made as an adult, and I want share them with you .”
Thursday, November 10, 2011
"Decisions I Have Made in Advance.”
Once children are eight or nine (and even more effectively as they approach the teen years) you can do something much more comprehensive and personal than the consequence game. Kids this age are conceptual and logical enough, with your help, to think very specifically about some important decisions they will face in the immediate years ahead. And it is this kind of “advance thinking” that will give them ownership of the choices they will make.
Start by getting your child a nice journal or diary (journaling is a good idea for many reasons) and help her set aside the last couple of pages for “Decisions I Have Made in Advance.” Write that heading at the top of the page and ask your child if she can think of some choices she can make right now even though it may not be time to implement them yet.
Start by getting your child a nice journal or diary (journaling is a good idea for many reasons) and help her set aside the last couple of pages for “Decisions I Have Made in Advance.” Write that heading at the top of the page and ask your child if she can think of some choices she can make right now even though it may not be time to implement them yet.
Monday, November 7, 2011
know what is going on in your children’s’ lives
First of all, parents need to know what is going on in their children’s’ lives. The importance of observation cannot be overstated. It can be very time consuming and distracting for parents who are struggling with multiple demands and obligations of their own yet there is no substitute for it. Parental awareness of what kids are doing, who they are with, what they are watching or playing or listening to, is a fundamental preventive measure.
I (Linda) decided long ago that I would, despite the inconvenience, drive more car pools and create more opportunities to entice kids to congregate at our home rather than somewhere else. I figured that the more chances I had to observe my kids and how they interact with other kids the more I would know about what was going on in their heads.
It is amazing what kids talk about with each other in a car while you are driving them to a ball game or a dance lesson or a field trip. It’s like they forget you are there, and oh, the things you can learn. The same kinds of interesting observations come when they are hanging out at your house. I have always tried to have the best snacks, the most games, anything that would make them say “Let’s go to the Eyres,” and my unapologetic motive was to do as much legitimate eavesdropping as possible.
Find the best ways to ask and listen, and find the best times. Generally, the later it is at night, the more a pre teen will tell you. And the worst time is often right after school when we say “how was your day?” and they say “Fine” and we say “how was school?” and they say “Fine” and we say “would you like to elaborate?” and they say “no” or “what?”
Even beyond an awareness of what kids are thinking, parents need concrete ways to help their kids anticipate some of the dangers and temptations they will face and to understand that they can own those choices, that they can make good decisions with cool heads before they get in unexpected situations they can’t control. While these are not substitutes for investing time and effort in observing and listening to your children, the methods suggested here address the need we hear so many parents express for ways to give their kids real ownership of their choices.
I (Linda) decided long ago that I would, despite the inconvenience, drive more car pools and create more opportunities to entice kids to congregate at our home rather than somewhere else. I figured that the more chances I had to observe my kids and how they interact with other kids the more I would know about what was going on in their heads.
It is amazing what kids talk about with each other in a car while you are driving them to a ball game or a dance lesson or a field trip. It’s like they forget you are there, and oh, the things you can learn. The same kinds of interesting observations come when they are hanging out at your house. I have always tried to have the best snacks, the most games, anything that would make them say “Let’s go to the Eyres,” and my unapologetic motive was to do as much legitimate eavesdropping as possible.
Find the best ways to ask and listen, and find the best times. Generally, the later it is at night, the more a pre teen will tell you. And the worst time is often right after school when we say “how was your day?” and they say “Fine” and we say “how was school?” and they say “Fine” and we say “would you like to elaborate?” and they say “no” or “what?”
Even beyond an awareness of what kids are thinking, parents need concrete ways to help their kids anticipate some of the dangers and temptations they will face and to understand that they can own those choices, that they can make good decisions with cool heads before they get in unexpected situations they can’t control. While these are not substitutes for investing time and effort in observing and listening to your children, the methods suggested here address the need we hear so many parents express for ways to give their kids real ownership of their choices.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Thinking about choices
It is by thinking about choices,
along with their alternatives and their consequences
that we come to own them.
Elementary age children are capable of gaining this type of ownership,
and of making many of the their most important decisions in advance!
Kids don’t make bad decisions intentionally or with malice.
They make thoughtless choices because they feel no ownership—and because
they are unprepared and have not anticipated the overwhelming tension and temptation of certain moments.
In short, they get blindsided by peer pressure.
Not thinking things through or taking responsibility for choices may explain why kids fail to make good decisions, but it does not fully explain why so many kids make so many really bad choices—the kind that reduces their chances for long and short term happiness and success.
What makes adolescents experiment with drugs, or shoplift or do something destructive just for the “fun” of it? Are they plotting and conniving little criminals—evil, black-hearted demons who are hell bent on getting into trouble and making their (and your) lives harder? Or are they making spur of the moment mistakes because they are blindsided by situations they never anticipated and by peer pressure they are completely unprepared for?
Could a little advance preparation, in the form of role-playing or “case studies” help them anticipate and be prepared for the tough moments when hormonal activity or the desire for acceptance is driving them to do something foolish? Could thinking through decisions before they are actually confronted give kids ownership of their choices?
along with their alternatives and their consequences
that we come to own them.
Elementary age children are capable of gaining this type of ownership,
and of making many of the their most important decisions in advance!
Kids don’t make bad decisions intentionally or with malice.
They make thoughtless choices because they feel no ownership—and because
they are unprepared and have not anticipated the overwhelming tension and temptation of certain moments.
In short, they get blindsided by peer pressure.
Not thinking things through or taking responsibility for choices may explain why kids fail to make good decisions, but it does not fully explain why so many kids make so many really bad choices—the kind that reduces their chances for long and short term happiness and success.
What makes adolescents experiment with drugs, or shoplift or do something destructive just for the “fun” of it? Are they plotting and conniving little criminals—evil, black-hearted demons who are hell bent on getting into trouble and making their (and your) lives harder? Or are they making spur of the moment mistakes because they are blindsided by situations they never anticipated and by peer pressure they are completely unprepared for?
Could a little advance preparation, in the form of role-playing or “case studies” help them anticipate and be prepared for the tough moments when hormonal activity or the desire for acceptance is driving them to do something foolish? Could thinking through decisions before they are actually confronted give kids ownership of their choices?
Monday, October 31, 2011
Memorizing
Memorizing is not very much in favor today among educators. “Rote learning” and other repetitious methods are thought to be less creative and stimulating than other forms of learning.
But oh how memorizing focuses the mind and trains the concentration!
And it can also be a form of gaining mental ownership of concepts and values.
Part of our family economy was a provision that if kids got 90 percent of their responsibilities done for the week (18 of their 20 possible “pegs” for the five day school week) they would get their money doubled. We wanted to reward consistency. The problem came when a conscientious child worked hard but forgot a couple of things and came up just short—say with 16 or 17 pegs. We felt like we needed a way for them to be able to make up the difference and get the bonus of a doubling of their earning.
So we began giving them a “bonus peg” for memorizing particular quotes or scriptures or sayings that we would find that tied in with and taught the value of the month. The idea turned out to be a huge hit. They could get up to two bonus pegs each week and there were two benefits: 1. It allowed a child to get “over the top” in his goal for 18 or more pegs, and 2. It implanted the month’s value more permanently in his mind.
Even today, we find our kids can remember the things they memorized 10 years or more ago and, more importantly, that those passages still influence their behavior and guide their values.
We live in a day where it is easy to find quotes or sayings we love that fit the value of the month. Just go on line and google a quote book for a value and pick the ones you like best and that are just difficult enough that they are harder than remembering to do the responsibility they forgot, but easy and fun enough that kids can really master them and remember them.
A few examples of some of our favorites (that served the purpose then and that our grown children still remember and use today) are:
For the month of Honesty:
Ay, sir; to be honest, as this world goes, is to be one man picked out of ten thousand.
--William Shakespere
I hope I shall always possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain what I consider the most enviable of all titles, the character of an "Honest Man."
--George Washington
But oh how memorizing focuses the mind and trains the concentration!
And it can also be a form of gaining mental ownership of concepts and values.
Part of our family economy was a provision that if kids got 90 percent of their responsibilities done for the week (18 of their 20 possible “pegs” for the five day school week) they would get their money doubled. We wanted to reward consistency. The problem came when a conscientious child worked hard but forgot a couple of things and came up just short—say with 16 or 17 pegs. We felt like we needed a way for them to be able to make up the difference and get the bonus of a doubling of their earning.
So we began giving them a “bonus peg” for memorizing particular quotes or scriptures or sayings that we would find that tied in with and taught the value of the month. The idea turned out to be a huge hit. They could get up to two bonus pegs each week and there were two benefits: 1. It allowed a child to get “over the top” in his goal for 18 or more pegs, and 2. It implanted the month’s value more permanently in his mind.
Even today, we find our kids can remember the things they memorized 10 years or more ago and, more importantly, that those passages still influence their behavior and guide their values.
We live in a day where it is easy to find quotes or sayings we love that fit the value of the month. Just go on line and google a quote book for a value and pick the ones you like best and that are just difficult enough that they are harder than remembering to do the responsibility they forgot, but easy and fun enough that kids can really master them and remember them.
A few examples of some of our favorites (that served the purpose then and that our grown children still remember and use today) are:
For the month of Honesty:
Ay, sir; to be honest, as this world goes, is to be one man picked out of ten thousand.
--William Shakespere
I hope I shall always possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain what I consider the most enviable of all titles, the character of an "Honest Man."
--George Washington
Monday, October 24, 2011
twelve monthly values
We were having family dinner at home one evening when the call came from Oprah’s senior producer. Oprah liked our new book, she said, and could we come to Chicago in two weeks to be on the show. “Bring your kids” she said, and we assumed they would love sitting in the studio audience and watching the five or ten minute segment we would do on the show.
The kids (we brought 7 of them) loved the stretch limo ride from the airport to the Drake hotel on the day before the show, and it wasn’t until we got the message envelope at the front desk that we realized that 1. We would be on with Oprah for the full hour and 2. So would the kids.
Panic set in. A full hour on a live-taped show that reached 20 million people, talking about parenting, with our kids right up there with us, some of whom had never in their lives gone 10 minutes without some kind of fight with a sibling. Teaching children values? Right! How about the value of drugging them before we went on air?
But fortune smiled on us. Maybe they were mesmerized by the bright lights, but they all behaved reasonably well and even answered Oprah’s questions with enthusiasm and aplomb.
So here’s the point: Oprah liked the book for the same reason as the parents who bought it. It was a simple system. It took twelve universal values and set up a pattern where families focused on one value a month. The book had “months” instead of chapters. Parents found that by concentrating on one value for a whole month, they could really teach it. The book laid out methods for each age group, and with the “value of the month” on their minds, families would find illustrations of it (or the lack of it) in everything from TV shows to real life situations with friends.
We didn’t fully realize it at the time, but the conscious, willful adoption of a specific value each month can lead to real ownership of that value by children. Being focused and trying to apply a particular value consistently and conscientiously for a full month gives a familiarity and commitment to the value. And parents pointing out its benefits and applications can engrain the value into the mind of a child. The values are repeated each year so they are reinforced and further enhanced over and over as years pass and as children grow to grasp them on deeper and deeper levels.
The twelve monthly values advocated in the book are:
1. Honesty,
2. Courage,
3. Peaceability,
4. Self-reliance and potential,
5. Commitment and fidelity,
6. Respect,
7. Self-discipline and moderation,
8. Love,
9. Loyalty and dependability,
10. Kindness and friendliness,
11. Unselfishness and sensitivity and
12. Justice and mercy.
The kids (we brought 7 of them) loved the stretch limo ride from the airport to the Drake hotel on the day before the show, and it wasn’t until we got the message envelope at the front desk that we realized that 1. We would be on with Oprah for the full hour and 2. So would the kids.
Panic set in. A full hour on a live-taped show that reached 20 million people, talking about parenting, with our kids right up there with us, some of whom had never in their lives gone 10 minutes without some kind of fight with a sibling. Teaching children values? Right! How about the value of drugging them before we went on air?
But fortune smiled on us. Maybe they were mesmerized by the bright lights, but they all behaved reasonably well and even answered Oprah’s questions with enthusiasm and aplomb.
So here’s the point: Oprah liked the book for the same reason as the parents who bought it. It was a simple system. It took twelve universal values and set up a pattern where families focused on one value a month. The book had “months” instead of chapters. Parents found that by concentrating on one value for a whole month, they could really teach it. The book laid out methods for each age group, and with the “value of the month” on their minds, families would find illustrations of it (or the lack of it) in everything from TV shows to real life situations with friends.
We didn’t fully realize it at the time, but the conscious, willful adoption of a specific value each month can lead to real ownership of that value by children. Being focused and trying to apply a particular value consistently and conscientiously for a full month gives a familiarity and commitment to the value. And parents pointing out its benefits and applications can engrain the value into the mind of a child. The values are repeated each year so they are reinforced and further enhanced over and over as years pass and as children grow to grasp them on deeper and deeper levels.
The twelve monthly values advocated in the book are:
1. Honesty,
2. Courage,
3. Peaceability,
4. Self-reliance and potential,
5. Commitment and fidelity,
6. Respect,
7. Self-discipline and moderation,
8. Love,
9. Loyalty and dependability,
10. Kindness and friendliness,
11. Unselfishness and sensitivity and
12. Justice and mercy.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
be prepared to remove the three barriers
You, as a parent, must be prepared to remove the three barriers of: 1. Old beliefs, 2. Old excuses, and 3. The old fallback position of not having time to make these changes.
1. There three beliefs that you need to re-set:
• The belief that you should try to give your kids all the things that you didn’t have when you were a kid.
• That you should always bail out your child when he makes a mistake.
• That the way to get your kids ahead is by managing and pushing them, whether they like it or not.
2. There are three excuses that need to be rooted out:
• Stop saying, “Oh, they’re just kids”, or
• “That’s just how the world is now”, or
• “Well, their friends don’t have to.”
3. And most parents have some time issues and priorities that need to be re-structured:
• Get over playing the ultimate trump card of “I can’t do it now because there’s not enough time.”
• Understand that, like any infrastructure, some extra time is required to set up systems of ownership and responsibility, but that soon these very systems will begin to save us time.
The most common question we get from parents these days
is some variation of ‘how can I protect my children?’
The best answer (and as time passes, the only answer)
is to teach them strong and lasting values.
This is what it all adds up to!
If they feel real ownership of their own values,
if they come to understand that their lives are truly theirs,
they begin to accept full ownership of their behavior,
and that is the very definition of responsibility.
1. There three beliefs that you need to re-set:
• The belief that you should try to give your kids all the things that you didn’t have when you were a kid.
• That you should always bail out your child when he makes a mistake.
• That the way to get your kids ahead is by managing and pushing them, whether they like it or not.
2. There are three excuses that need to be rooted out:
• Stop saying, “Oh, they’re just kids”, or
• “That’s just how the world is now”, or
• “Well, their friends don’t have to.”
3. And most parents have some time issues and priorities that need to be re-structured:
• Get over playing the ultimate trump card of “I can’t do it now because there’s not enough time.”
• Understand that, like any infrastructure, some extra time is required to set up systems of ownership and responsibility, but that soon these very systems will begin to save us time.
The most common question we get from parents these days
is some variation of ‘how can I protect my children?’
The best answer (and as time passes, the only answer)
is to teach them strong and lasting values.
This is what it all adds up to!
If they feel real ownership of their own values,
if they come to understand that their lives are truly theirs,
they begin to accept full ownership of their behavior,
and that is the very definition of responsibility.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Implementing what you have read so far
So take a moment, pause and stretch, and see if you are with us on the basic points….
• That “ownership” is the antidote to entitlement.
• That kids who earn “their own money” can also learn to budget and to save and to give.
• That they will then also perceive ownership of the “stuff” they buy with their earned money.
• That it is ownership that triggers the feelings of pride and of responsibility which allows the growth of self motivation, self discipline, and self esteem.
One way to think about implementing what you have read so far is to put it in terms of what you should stop and what you should start.
What you should STOP doing:
--Treating your kids as your subjects or your surfs,
--Giving them an allowance,
--Buying everything for them,
--Bailing them out every time they make a financial mistake,
--Paying any attention at all when they tell you what their friends get,
--Paying all of their college expenses.
What you should START doing:
--Giving your children real equity in your family via more participation and choice
--Creating a “family economy” that teaches them to earn, budget, save, and give,
--and that allows them to have control of more money than an allowance,
--so that they can buy all of their personal “stuff” and most of their clothes,
--and make more of their own choices at earlier ages,
--and perceive real ownership of their money, toys, and clothes.
• That “ownership” is the antidote to entitlement.
• That kids who earn “their own money” can also learn to budget and to save and to give.
• That they will then also perceive ownership of the “stuff” they buy with their earned money.
• That it is ownership that triggers the feelings of pride and of responsibility which allows the growth of self motivation, self discipline, and self esteem.
One way to think about implementing what you have read so far is to put it in terms of what you should stop and what you should start.
What you should STOP doing:
--Treating your kids as your subjects or your surfs,
--Giving them an allowance,
--Buying everything for them,
--Bailing them out every time they make a financial mistake,
--Paying any attention at all when they tell you what their friends get,
--Paying all of their college expenses.
What you should START doing:
--Giving your children real equity in your family via more participation and choice
--Creating a “family economy” that teaches them to earn, budget, save, and give,
--and that allows them to have control of more money than an allowance,
--so that they can buy all of their personal “stuff” and most of their clothes,
--and make more of their own choices at earlier ages,
--and perceive real ownership of their money, toys, and clothes.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Ownership
We have to remember that while ownership will motivate kids to take care of their stuff, they still have to actually learn how to do it.
Parents often find themselves selves urging their kids to clean their room or to put away their stuff, and then realizing that they don’t do it partly because they really have never been taught how.
Our friend Darren Hardy, now the publisher of Success Magazine, told us the story of his early love for cars, and of his parents early announcement that if he ever wanted one, he would have to buy it for himself. He started saving his lawn-mowing money when he was 11 and five years later, after he had his license, he finally bought an old, big (safe) car. Talk about perceived ownership! He cared for it like a baby, paid his own gas and repairs and an agreed portion of the insurance, and had a true case study of earning, saving, budgeting, choice-making and motivation.
Parents often find themselves selves urging their kids to clean their room or to put away their stuff, and then realizing that they don’t do it partly because they really have never been taught how.
Our friend Darren Hardy, now the publisher of Success Magazine, told us the story of his early love for cars, and of his parents early announcement that if he ever wanted one, he would have to buy it for himself. He started saving his lawn-mowing money when he was 11 and five years later, after he had his license, he finally bought an old, big (safe) car. Talk about perceived ownership! He cared for it like a baby, paid his own gas and repairs and an agreed portion of the insurance, and had a true case study of earning, saving, budgeting, choice-making and motivation.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Our boys binged a little when we first started the economy, buying candy and treats and silly little toys, but running out of money a couple of times cured them and now they are really careful and price conscious about what they buy.
____________
Every time our daughter Jenn runs out of money she wants a “payday loan.” She says “just loan it to me Mom and I’ll pay you back on Saturday when I get paid.”
You can sure see how the buy-now-pay-later mentality gets started. She is finally getting it that there are no loans from this family bank. But the whole thing has opened up bigger discussions about what people should and shouldn’t borrow for. We even got into appreciation and depreciation and the other day she said “OK, I’m only going to borrow money for my college and for a house some day, because those two things are going to go up in value instead of down.”
____________
Every time our daughter Jenn runs out of money she wants a “payday loan.” She says “just loan it to me Mom and I’ll pay you back on Saturday when I get paid.”
You can sure see how the buy-now-pay-later mentality gets started. She is finally getting it that there are no loans from this family bank. But the whole thing has opened up bigger discussions about what people should and shouldn’t borrow for. We even got into appreciation and depreciation and the other day she said “OK, I’m only going to borrow money for my college and for a house some day, because those two things are going to go up in value instead of down.”
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Family Economy
One benefit of our family economy is that it has turned our kids into values shoppers when it comes to clothes. The younger one looks for sales, and the older one, who used to have to have the “right brand” won’t go near the expensive labels anymore because she has figured out she can get something just as good at the outlets or at Costco for a third of the price.
____________
I gave my daughter a new outfit that I know she liked the other day and her eyes actually welled up with tears as she thanked me for it. Before we had the family economy she would have just taken it for granted, but now she knows how much it cost and how much work she would have had to do and how much she would have had to save to buy it.
____________
I’ll tell you one thing about the family economy. It has put an end to hand-me-downs! Our younger boy wanted the shirt that the older one had outgrown and I overheard the older one saying “I paid 30 dollars for that shirt. I will sell it to you for 25.” Guess I am going to have to teach him about depreciation.
____________
I gave my daughter a new outfit that I know she liked the other day and her eyes actually welled up with tears as she thanked me for it. Before we had the family economy she would have just taken it for granted, but now she knows how much it cost and how much work she would have had to do and how much she would have had to save to buy it.
____________
I’ll tell you one thing about the family economy. It has put an end to hand-me-downs! Our younger boy wanted the shirt that the older one had outgrown and I overheard the older one saying “I paid 30 dollars for that shirt. I will sell it to you for 25.” Guess I am going to have to teach him about depreciation.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Family Economy
One benefit of our family economy is that it has turned our kids into values shoppers when it comes to clothes. The younger one looks for sales, and the older one, who used to have to have the “right brand” won’t go near the expensive labels anymore because she has figured out she can get something just as good at the outlets or at Costco for a third of the price.
____________
I gave my daughter a new outfit that I know she liked the other day and her eyes actually welled up with tears as she thanked me for it. Before we had the family economy she would have just taken it for granted, but now she knows how much it cost and how much work she would have had to do and how much she would have had to save to buy it.
____________
I’ll tell you one thing about the family economy. It has put an end to hand-me-downs! Our younger boy wanted the shirt that the older one had outgrown and I overheard the older one saying “I paid 30 dollars for that shirt. I will sell it to you for 25.” Guess I am going to have to teach him about depreciation.
____________
I gave my daughter a new outfit that I know she liked the other day and her eyes actually welled up with tears as she thanked me for it. Before we had the family economy she would have just taken it for granted, but now she knows how much it cost and how much work she would have had to do and how much she would have had to save to buy it.
____________
I’ll tell you one thing about the family economy. It has put an end to hand-me-downs! Our younger boy wanted the shirt that the older one had outgrown and I overheard the older one saying “I paid 30 dollars for that shirt. I will sell it to you for 25.” Guess I am going to have to teach him about depreciation.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Family banking system
I walked by our eight year old son’s room one evening and noticed him neatly putting his shirt on a hanger and hanging it in his closet. “Good for you son—great to see you taking care of your stuff.”
He had been on the family banking system for a couple of months, and his reply, though not altogether respectful, was gratifying, “Duh Dad, this baby cost me $29.95. Do you think I’m going to leave it lying around?”
My daughter is great at getting her pegs and earning her money, but she spends it all so fast on impulse purchases that she has nothing left for the things she needs or to go to the movie with her friend at the end of the week.
____________
My son had seen one of those humanitarian infomercials on TV about starving children in Haiti. With tears in his eyes he came to me with a check from his own little family checkbook—made out to “children in Haiti” for $100.00 of his hard earned money. I realized that by giving him ownership of his own money we have also given him the true ability to give!
____________
We have instituted interest in our family bank—at a high percentage, and the kids really want it; but by the end of the week they never seem to have any of their money left to save.
He had been on the family banking system for a couple of months, and his reply, though not altogether respectful, was gratifying, “Duh Dad, this baby cost me $29.95. Do you think I’m going to leave it lying around?”
My daughter is great at getting her pegs and earning her money, but she spends it all so fast on impulse purchases that she has nothing left for the things she needs or to go to the movie with her friend at the end of the week.
____________
My son had seen one of those humanitarian infomercials on TV about starving children in Haiti. With tears in his eyes he came to me with a check from his own little family checkbook—made out to “children in Haiti” for $100.00 of his hard earned money. I realized that by giving him ownership of his own money we have also given him the true ability to give!
____________
We have instituted interest in our family bank—at a high percentage, and the kids really want it; but by the end of the week they never seem to have any of their money left to save.
Friday, September 23, 2011
“Gunny Bag”
Get a big laundry bag and draw or sew a “face” on it, with the drawstring opening as the mouth. Introduce “Gunny Bag” to the kids and tell them that he lives in the attic and sometimes (you never know when) he comes down and EATS any toys and clothes that are left out. He comes back on Saturday morning and “regurgitates” the stuff, but if it doesn’t get put away right away, he eats it again.
When I introduced Gunny Bag, the kids formed an immediate love-hate relationship. They loved the fun and games, but they hated that he might eat their stuff.
The change was wonderful. I would come home and instead of the old pattern of yelling and lecturing the kids about neatness and spending a half hour supervising their forced clean up, we now had a fun new pattern: I would just say “Hey, do you hear that scratching noise upstairs….I think Gunny Bag is coming!” They would run around like crazy, putting all their toys and clothes in their places where Gunny Bag could not eat them. Gunny Bag would go from room to room, looking for something to eat, and crying and crying when he couldn’t find anything. The kids would laugh and laugh. (Sometimes it was the kids who would cry and cry when Gunny got to something and ate it before they could grab it out of harm’s way.) It was a game that everyone enjoyed over and over, and the house became much neater.
When I introduced Gunny Bag, the kids formed an immediate love-hate relationship. They loved the fun and games, but they hated that he might eat their stuff.
The change was wonderful. I would come home and instead of the old pattern of yelling and lecturing the kids about neatness and spending a half hour supervising their forced clean up, we now had a fun new pattern: I would just say “Hey, do you hear that scratching noise upstairs….I think Gunny Bag is coming!” They would run around like crazy, putting all their toys and clothes in their places where Gunny Bag could not eat them. Gunny Bag would go from room to room, looking for something to eat, and crying and crying when he couldn’t find anything. The kids would laugh and laugh. (Sometimes it was the kids who would cry and cry when Gunny got to something and ate it before they could grab it out of harm’s way.) It was a game that everyone enjoyed over and over, and the house became much neater.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Ownership is the essence
Ownership is the essence of a simple family economy that is built around choosing and earning. Financial and Material ownership is the prerequisite and the fundamental key to responsibility. And giving kids ownership via money of their things, of their savings, and of their ability to give can be the fore-runner of giving them ownership of their goals, of their education, and of their lives.
The ownership of money is the lead in and the mechanism by which children buy and feel ownership of clothes and personal effects and all the things that are the subject of the next chapter.
The ownership of money is the lead in and the mechanism by which children buy and feel ownership of clothes and personal effects and all the things that are the subject of the next chapter.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
“Family Economy”
Of course it’s not only parents who set up an elaborate “family economy” who can teach the lessons of restraint and more careful handling of money. Any parent who learns to say “no” begins to teach these things.
One of our cute friends, now a mother of four, tells the story of her best “wake up call” on ownership: When she was in her first year of college, she was there on a scholarship and was busy in several organizations including a sorority. Because of her heavy work load, her dad had promised to send her a certain amount of money to live on every month.
One month she found that because she had “bought a couple of extras” she was entirely out of money with one week left to go before more money arrived. She called her mom and asked if she thought her dad would send the money for the next month a little early that month since she was entirely broke and without food. Her mother said that she thought he would and that she’d have him call her back.
Very shortly her very loving dad called her back and reminded her that they had decided together on a certain amount of money that would be sent every month and that no way was he going to send more until the next month started. She would just have to figure it out! Horrified, she started going through the cupboards of sorority house to see if she could find some canned goods to keep her alive for the coming week while praying that some guy would ask her out on a dinner date that weekend. “That was one of the best learning experiences of my life!” she told us. “I learned a lot of lessons about money, budgeting, limits and especially ownership that week that I will never forget!”
And lest we begin thinking that giving kids ownership as an antidote to entitlement is only important for affluent or upper middle class kids or just for kids in “rich” western countries, here is another story:
The year before we wrote this book, we spent some time in a rural and very poverty-stricken part of Southern India at a humanitarian project called Rising Star Outreach with our youngest daughter and a our newly married son and daughter in law who had embarked on a nine-month “humanitarian honeymoon”. Before we got to the project, our married couple joined us in Mumbai (Bombay) where we were giving an impassioned speech about the importance of giving kids ownership at a meeting that included some of the wealthiest families of India. Then just two days later as we arrived at the humanitarian project, we found ourselves amidst a startling change of venue with the poorest of the poor of India…families affected with leprosy!
This project was started by a wonderful woman who, on a visit to India several years ago, had discovered that children of families who had been affected with leprosy, whether it was a parent or grandparent, were “untouchables” and their children were not allowed to go to school and therefore destined to a life of begging on the streets. With her wonderful “this is just wrong” mentality, Becky went home and started raising funds from wealthy friends and donors to build a school in Southern India exclusively for children whose families had been affected by leprosy.
What we found at the project was amazing! Bright happy faces of almost 200 children greeted us at their beautiful new school, which included a computer lab to die for! Suddenly parents of “normal” kids in the surrounding villages wanted their children to go to “the leprosy school.”
Our schedule only allowed us to stay for a week, but our newly married kids and our youngest daughter stayed on, and soon began to realize that the biggest problem that the leprosy-affected children were having was—believe it or not—entitlement. Good hearted donors had rallied around them to provide beautiful uniforms, had given them all they needed for school…paper, pencils, pens and prized possessions such as toys, games and new shoes for everyone sent by loving benefactors from America.
The kids didn’t have to work for anything. In trying to figure out how to cope with this problem, our kids came up with the idea of a “Star Store” where kids could buy things with “stars” they had earned by doing their chores, brushing their teeth, helping with the younger children and doing their homework. With the dedicated effort of the house-parents, counselors and teachers, the effects of those kids feeling ownership of their things was quite remarkable. The children brushed their teeth with brushes they had “bought” from the star store, and did homework with their “own” pencils without being asked or reminded. And suddenly they were much more appreciative of any help they got from volunteers. Again we were reminded that ownership works at any economic and social level.
Recently in Florida a woman who was in charge of all the foster care in her county came up after our speech and said that a light had gone off in her head during our presentation as she realized that the biggest problem with foster children, especially those who drift from household to household is that they feel no ownership!
She said she had decided to write up our family economy system for giving kids ownership and get it to all her foster parents so that they could begin to spring the entitlement trap that is gripping the foster care kids.
One of our cute friends, now a mother of four, tells the story of her best “wake up call” on ownership: When she was in her first year of college, she was there on a scholarship and was busy in several organizations including a sorority. Because of her heavy work load, her dad had promised to send her a certain amount of money to live on every month.
One month she found that because she had “bought a couple of extras” she was entirely out of money with one week left to go before more money arrived. She called her mom and asked if she thought her dad would send the money for the next month a little early that month since she was entirely broke and without food. Her mother said that she thought he would and that she’d have him call her back.
Very shortly her very loving dad called her back and reminded her that they had decided together on a certain amount of money that would be sent every month and that no way was he going to send more until the next month started. She would just have to figure it out! Horrified, she started going through the cupboards of sorority house to see if she could find some canned goods to keep her alive for the coming week while praying that some guy would ask her out on a dinner date that weekend. “That was one of the best learning experiences of my life!” she told us. “I learned a lot of lessons about money, budgeting, limits and especially ownership that week that I will never forget!”
And lest we begin thinking that giving kids ownership as an antidote to entitlement is only important for affluent or upper middle class kids or just for kids in “rich” western countries, here is another story:
The year before we wrote this book, we spent some time in a rural and very poverty-stricken part of Southern India at a humanitarian project called Rising Star Outreach with our youngest daughter and a our newly married son and daughter in law who had embarked on a nine-month “humanitarian honeymoon”. Before we got to the project, our married couple joined us in Mumbai (Bombay) where we were giving an impassioned speech about the importance of giving kids ownership at a meeting that included some of the wealthiest families of India. Then just two days later as we arrived at the humanitarian project, we found ourselves amidst a startling change of venue with the poorest of the poor of India…families affected with leprosy!
This project was started by a wonderful woman who, on a visit to India several years ago, had discovered that children of families who had been affected with leprosy, whether it was a parent or grandparent, were “untouchables” and their children were not allowed to go to school and therefore destined to a life of begging on the streets. With her wonderful “this is just wrong” mentality, Becky went home and started raising funds from wealthy friends and donors to build a school in Southern India exclusively for children whose families had been affected by leprosy.
What we found at the project was amazing! Bright happy faces of almost 200 children greeted us at their beautiful new school, which included a computer lab to die for! Suddenly parents of “normal” kids in the surrounding villages wanted their children to go to “the leprosy school.”
Our schedule only allowed us to stay for a week, but our newly married kids and our youngest daughter stayed on, and soon began to realize that the biggest problem that the leprosy-affected children were having was—believe it or not—entitlement. Good hearted donors had rallied around them to provide beautiful uniforms, had given them all they needed for school…paper, pencils, pens and prized possessions such as toys, games and new shoes for everyone sent by loving benefactors from America.
The kids didn’t have to work for anything. In trying to figure out how to cope with this problem, our kids came up with the idea of a “Star Store” where kids could buy things with “stars” they had earned by doing their chores, brushing their teeth, helping with the younger children and doing their homework. With the dedicated effort of the house-parents, counselors and teachers, the effects of those kids feeling ownership of their things was quite remarkable. The children brushed their teeth with brushes they had “bought” from the star store, and did homework with their “own” pencils without being asked or reminded. And suddenly they were much more appreciative of any help they got from volunteers. Again we were reminded that ownership works at any economic and social level.
Recently in Florida a woman who was in charge of all the foster care in her county came up after our speech and said that a light had gone off in her head during our presentation as she realized that the biggest problem with foster children, especially those who drift from household to household is that they feel no ownership!
She said she had decided to write up our family economy system for giving kids ownership and get it to all her foster parents so that they could begin to spring the entitlement trap that is gripping the foster care kids.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Family Bank
As the pegs and the bank and the checkbook and the responsibility for buying things become established (don’t expect a perfect system right away--let it build, and let the learning come at its natural pace) you can begin to introduce various expansions and additions to the family economy:
Interest: Let the child have a second, interest-bearing account in the bank that is separate from his checking account. Have a passbook in the bank that keeps track. Negotiate the interest, but let it be high, and pay the interest often so their money will grow fast, but put in the stipulation that the money in that that savings account is for college, and agree on the percentage of college tuition that they will pay themselves.
To be honest, we got conned a little by our own kids on interest. When we first told them that the family bank was going to pay interest (and when we explained that that meant that if they just left part of their money in the bank it would grow) they were pretty excited. But our proposal of 5% annually was a non-pleaser! “Annually?” said the 13 year old, “doesn’t that mean once a year? We can’t wait that long.” They proposed once a month, and we compromised at once each quarter or every three months.
Then the 9 year old really got us. He said “I’m not very good at fractions or percents yet, but I could figure 10% because all I’d have to do is move the decimal point!”
So we ended up paying 10% interest each quarter! And it didn’t take that 9 year old very long to essentially figure out compound interest. He said “wow, if I leave it in for two years, it will double?!”
We decided that, since the savings was earmarked for college, why not really shell out the interest and let it grow. Better that part of the money for college flow through the kids, and to have them perceive ownership of it which we hoped would turn into a sense of ownership of their college education.
Transfers to “Real” Accounts: With many families who have instituted the family economy, the practice has been to take 15 year olds down to a real bank (or better yet a brokerage) and transfer all of their money from the family bank account to the real account. Kids who have been writing out checks for seven or eight years are ready for the real thing.
High-interest savings set aside to pay a percentage of College costs: Many of the families we have worked with chose to follow our high-interest policy with the stipulation that everything in the interest-bearing savings account would go toward college. With this in mind, some families pay even more than 10% per quarter. At rates like this, some of you may want to run out and find these families so you can invest your own money, but remember, they are not federally insured!
But seriously, as parents, we want that family bank money to multiply, so that our kids can feel real ownership over the money that will help them pay for some percentage of their college tuition.
One proud dad told us of his experience taking his 18 year old daughter to the college where she had been accepted to pay for her first semester. She had been a part of their family economy for years, and they had agreed that the part of her money that she was saving and getting interest on would be used to pay 20% of her college tuition. He said he watched her hand shake as she wrote out her largest check ever to the bursar. “Dad,” she said, “That is a lot of money!” He said he thought to himself “you should see the check I have to write!” Then came the real payoff moment when the daughter continued, “If it costs that much, I had really better study hard!”
Ownership of one’s own education! Think of the benefits of that! (We will get into it further in chapter)
Interest: Let the child have a second, interest-bearing account in the bank that is separate from his checking account. Have a passbook in the bank that keeps track. Negotiate the interest, but let it be high, and pay the interest often so their money will grow fast, but put in the stipulation that the money in that that savings account is for college, and agree on the percentage of college tuition that they will pay themselves.
To be honest, we got conned a little by our own kids on interest. When we first told them that the family bank was going to pay interest (and when we explained that that meant that if they just left part of their money in the bank it would grow) they were pretty excited. But our proposal of 5% annually was a non-pleaser! “Annually?” said the 13 year old, “doesn’t that mean once a year? We can’t wait that long.” They proposed once a month, and we compromised at once each quarter or every three months.
Then the 9 year old really got us. He said “I’m not very good at fractions or percents yet, but I could figure 10% because all I’d have to do is move the decimal point!”
So we ended up paying 10% interest each quarter! And it didn’t take that 9 year old very long to essentially figure out compound interest. He said “wow, if I leave it in for two years, it will double?!”
We decided that, since the savings was earmarked for college, why not really shell out the interest and let it grow. Better that part of the money for college flow through the kids, and to have them perceive ownership of it which we hoped would turn into a sense of ownership of their college education.
Transfers to “Real” Accounts: With many families who have instituted the family economy, the practice has been to take 15 year olds down to a real bank (or better yet a brokerage) and transfer all of their money from the family bank account to the real account. Kids who have been writing out checks for seven or eight years are ready for the real thing.
High-interest savings set aside to pay a percentage of College costs: Many of the families we have worked with chose to follow our high-interest policy with the stipulation that everything in the interest-bearing savings account would go toward college. With this in mind, some families pay even more than 10% per quarter. At rates like this, some of you may want to run out and find these families so you can invest your own money, but remember, they are not federally insured!
But seriously, as parents, we want that family bank money to multiply, so that our kids can feel real ownership over the money that will help them pay for some percentage of their college tuition.
One proud dad told us of his experience taking his 18 year old daughter to the college where she had been accepted to pay for her first semester. She had been a part of their family economy for years, and they had agreed that the part of her money that she was saving and getting interest on would be used to pay 20% of her college tuition. He said he watched her hand shake as she wrote out her largest check ever to the bursar. “Dad,” she said, “That is a lot of money!” He said he thought to himself “you should see the check I have to write!” Then came the real payoff moment when the daughter continued, “If it costs that much, I had really better study hard!”
Ownership of one’s own education! Think of the benefits of that! (We will get into it further in chapter)
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Family Bank
First: Announce to the child that you believe he is now old enough to become part of the family economy and to become a member of the Family Bank. This will mean that he will be able to have more money than he has previously had, but he will be expected to earn it, and he will then be responsible for buying the things he wants rather than asking you for them. He will have an account in the Family Bank, and will have his own checkbook so that he can take money out of the bank by writing a check and put money in with a deposit slip. Show him how the checkbook has a check register so he can always keep track of how much money he has. (Have $50 in the account—as a new member bonus, and already written at the top of the check register.) Tell him you are very proud of him and excited for him to have a checkbook and a bank account just like you. (Let the child know that a debit card is the same as a checkbook, but that a checkbook is better training….and that a register that keeps track of the balance should be used even with a debit card.)
Second: Explain that there is a certain amount of money that comes into the household, and there are certain things that need to be done to keep the household going and in good shape. Make a list of all the jobs, tasks, and maintenance that are required. Include specific things like cleaning each room, fixing each meal, mowing the lawn, doing the wash, keeping the front hall clean, etc. (Take your time and make the list as long as you can.) Also include things like getting kids ready for school, making sure the homework and music practice gets done, getting everyone ready for bed. Ask if it makes sense that those who participate in the work in the home should get part of the money that comes into the household.
Third: Ask how the child thinks he can get more money into his bank account and into his checkbook. Explain that you have decided that he is old enough to have responsibility for some of the things that have to be done in the household, and that if he can remember to do them, he will get paid on “payday” which will be each Saturday. Be sure he understands that this replaces allowance, that it is a more “grown-up” system, and that he will be able to earn a lot more money than he used to get from allowance, because he will be doing some of the work and because he will need more to buy more of his own things.
Fourth, introduce the pegboard (which should have his name on it) and explain that there are four pegs he can get each weekday, and that each of them will go toward the amount he earns for the week. The first peg is the “morning peg” and can be put in when he gets up on time, gets ready for school, has breakfast and has everything together to leave for school on time. He can put the second “homework peg” in after school when he has finished his homework (and his music practice or whatever else you want him to do after school). The third “zone peg” can go in when he has checked on and cleaned up his zone. (Each child should have one small “common area” or “zone” of the house—a hallway or closet or front porch—that everyone uses. This should be an area that you don’t clean—that is left for the child.) And the fourth “bedtime peg” goes in if he is in bed by bedtime; teeth brushed, prayer said, school stuff laid out for the next day.
By the way, the word “zone” came about when we were trying to initiate our youngest son into the family economy. He was a pretty headstrong and independent kid, and he had a deep aversion to terms like “job” or “task” and we were trying to make it all more palatable to him. He did love basketball so we tried a different term. “Do you know what a zone defense is son?” “Sure,” he said, “it’s when instead of guarding one guy you have a certain part of the court, and you don’t let anything bad happen there.”
“Exactly right,” I said, knowing I had him now, “so now your zone is the front hall and stairway, and all you do is just be sure nothing bad happens there.”
Fifth: Explain that before bed each weeknight, the child can get a “slip” (3x5 cards or post-it notes work fine) and write a “1”, “2”, “3” or “4” on it, depending on how many of the pegs he got in that day. The child must then get the slip initialed by a parent (or by the babysitter or tender if the parents are out) and he can then put it through the slot in the top of the family bank. On Saturday it is payday, and the bank is opened by the banker (we usually suggest dad) and each child gets his slips and adds up his total. Five weekdays with four pegs a day yields a maximum of 20. How much “pay” the child gets is according to how many pegs he got in during the week.
The best way to determine how much a child can earn each week is to calculate how much you have been spending on him in an average week—on toys and clothes and entertainment and personal effects. Make it so that, if he gets all or most of his pegs, he can approach that amount (we sometimes say two thirds of that amount for a good, consistent 19 or 20 peg week.
And remember, there are some things your child will probably never buy for himself (underwear seems to not be on the “must have” radar of most kids) so you will still need that other third of what you’ve been spending on him.
Second: Explain that there is a certain amount of money that comes into the household, and there are certain things that need to be done to keep the household going and in good shape. Make a list of all the jobs, tasks, and maintenance that are required. Include specific things like cleaning each room, fixing each meal, mowing the lawn, doing the wash, keeping the front hall clean, etc. (Take your time and make the list as long as you can.) Also include things like getting kids ready for school, making sure the homework and music practice gets done, getting everyone ready for bed. Ask if it makes sense that those who participate in the work in the home should get part of the money that comes into the household.
Third: Ask how the child thinks he can get more money into his bank account and into his checkbook. Explain that you have decided that he is old enough to have responsibility for some of the things that have to be done in the household, and that if he can remember to do them, he will get paid on “payday” which will be each Saturday. Be sure he understands that this replaces allowance, that it is a more “grown-up” system, and that he will be able to earn a lot more money than he used to get from allowance, because he will be doing some of the work and because he will need more to buy more of his own things.
Fourth, introduce the pegboard (which should have his name on it) and explain that there are four pegs he can get each weekday, and that each of them will go toward the amount he earns for the week. The first peg is the “morning peg” and can be put in when he gets up on time, gets ready for school, has breakfast and has everything together to leave for school on time. He can put the second “homework peg” in after school when he has finished his homework (and his music practice or whatever else you want him to do after school). The third “zone peg” can go in when he has checked on and cleaned up his zone. (Each child should have one small “common area” or “zone” of the house—a hallway or closet or front porch—that everyone uses. This should be an area that you don’t clean—that is left for the child.) And the fourth “bedtime peg” goes in if he is in bed by bedtime; teeth brushed, prayer said, school stuff laid out for the next day.
By the way, the word “zone” came about when we were trying to initiate our youngest son into the family economy. He was a pretty headstrong and independent kid, and he had a deep aversion to terms like “job” or “task” and we were trying to make it all more palatable to him. He did love basketball so we tried a different term. “Do you know what a zone defense is son?” “Sure,” he said, “it’s when instead of guarding one guy you have a certain part of the court, and you don’t let anything bad happen there.”
“Exactly right,” I said, knowing I had him now, “so now your zone is the front hall and stairway, and all you do is just be sure nothing bad happens there.”
Fifth: Explain that before bed each weeknight, the child can get a “slip” (3x5 cards or post-it notes work fine) and write a “1”, “2”, “3” or “4” on it, depending on how many of the pegs he got in that day. The child must then get the slip initialed by a parent (or by the babysitter or tender if the parents are out) and he can then put it through the slot in the top of the family bank. On Saturday it is payday, and the bank is opened by the banker (we usually suggest dad) and each child gets his slips and adds up his total. Five weekdays with four pegs a day yields a maximum of 20. How much “pay” the child gets is according to how many pegs he got in during the week.
The best way to determine how much a child can earn each week is to calculate how much you have been spending on him in an average week—on toys and clothes and entertainment and personal effects. Make it so that, if he gets all or most of his pegs, he can approach that amount (we sometimes say two thirds of that amount for a good, consistent 19 or 20 peg week.
And remember, there are some things your child will probably never buy for himself (underwear seems to not be on the “must have” radar of most kids) so you will still need that other third of what you’ve been spending on him.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
DRAWING- LAST DAY TO ENTER
Today is the last day to enter the drawing. You could win Two tickets to the Power of Moms Couples’ Retreat or dinner for two at a Park City, Utah restaurant with Richard and Linda, or be one of the eight to receive a Five-pack of The Entitlement Trap mailed to you to share with friends and family. Enter now at http://www.entitlementtrap.com/giveaway.htm. Names will be drawn tomorrow 09/01/2011 to see who wins.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Give your kids a legitimate and fair way to earn money
The basic thesis of the idea is that if kids are given a legitimate and fair way to earn money, they will develop initiative and motivation because they perceive ownership. If they have a chance to budget and buy more of their own things they will learn discernment and discipline. If they save and invest their money they will understand delayed gratification. And in the process, both their gratitude and generosity will have a climate in which to grow.
The basic process of the idea is to take the money you are already spending on your kids and re-route it through their ownership and choices, and to make the whole thing part of a natural economy where parts of the money that comes into a household goes out to those who do parts of the common work around the home.
The basic premise of the idea is that it is better to have children learning the lessons of earning and spending and saving (and making mistakes in all three) while they are young and the stakes are small than when they are older and the stakes are large (and when banks start sending them pre approved credit cards.)
The basic props of the idea are a family bank (a big wooden box, maybe painted silver or gold, with a big padlock on it and a slot in the top), a checkbook for each participating child (a real checkbook with the child’s name imprinted and with a check register—get them from a bank or a check printing company, or use some old checks of your own), and a basic peg board with four pegs for each child (the bigger the better, and the pegs had better be tied or chained to the board, or they are sure to be lost.)
Keep in mind now, as we discuss the details of implementation, that this system is not just about money; it is about responsibility and initiative and self-motivation—and money is just the vehicle or the raw material that is used in the process.
The basic process of the idea is to take the money you are already spending on your kids and re-route it through their ownership and choices, and to make the whole thing part of a natural economy where parts of the money that comes into a household goes out to those who do parts of the common work around the home.
The basic premise of the idea is that it is better to have children learning the lessons of earning and spending and saving (and making mistakes in all three) while they are young and the stakes are small than when they are older and the stakes are large (and when banks start sending them pre approved credit cards.)
The basic props of the idea are a family bank (a big wooden box, maybe painted silver or gold, with a big padlock on it and a slot in the top), a checkbook for each participating child (a real checkbook with the child’s name imprinted and with a check register—get them from a bank or a check printing company, or use some old checks of your own), and a basic peg board with four pegs for each child (the bigger the better, and the pegs had better be tied or chained to the board, or they are sure to be lost.)
Keep in mind now, as we discuss the details of implementation, that this system is not just about money; it is about responsibility and initiative and self-motivation—and money is just the vehicle or the raw material that is used in the process.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Gripping, Thoughtful and Funny Posts from NEAD
We had a wonderful response from our bloggers/website, facebook and twitter friends on Monday for National Entitlement Awareness Day! Thanks to everyone who participated and please know that it’s not too late to post on your blog, facebook, website, LinkedIn, Google+ or twitter accounts. The giant giveaway HERE goes until September 1st so if you feel the inclination to share by sending that link to your friends, please DO!
There were so many outstanding posts that we thought we’d share just a few with you! Maybe the most poignant was from Chrysula Winegar who linked to the an amazing site below. A great tool for helping our kids realize how blessed they are and stir feelings of entitlement is to see this great photo essay at the NYTimes showing children around the world and where they sleep. Our daughter Saren showed this to her kids and felt that they learned so much by looking at these photos. She said the pictures prompted some great discussions. You will see everything from a little boy who lives in a makeshift shack on top of a garbage dump to a pageant-queen 4-year-old with her decked-out princess bedroom. Check it out here: Where Children Sleep. Thanks Chrysula!
Our daughter Saydi’s Shumway’s contribution was hilarious! Just take a look at this post called Seriously Pottery Barn? The picture is so ridiculous that is will make you laugh and the commentary is even funnier!
Our friend Rachel Denning whom we met in India last summer while working full-time with her family in India at Rising Star Outreach.org did a terrific post called 4 Surefire Signs Your Kids are Stuck in the Entitlment Trap HERE.
Another outstanding post by Whitney Johnson points out that we want to do everything for our kids when what they really need is parents who make them do things for themselves! See if we don’t all fall into this trap HERE. Both Whitney and Macy Robison who did a wonderful post HERE are hosting their own giveaways just to move things along. Thanks you two!
Literally hundreds of moms (and some dads) posted on Monday for which we are so very grateful! We won’t know our numbers until the release date of the book on September 6th but we do know that our publishers at Penguin are thrilled with the pre-sales thanks to you!
There were so many outstanding posts that we thought we’d share just a few with you! Maybe the most poignant was from Chrysula Winegar who linked to the an amazing site below. A great tool for helping our kids realize how blessed they are and stir feelings of entitlement is to see this great photo essay at the NYTimes showing children around the world and where they sleep. Our daughter Saren showed this to her kids and felt that they learned so much by looking at these photos. She said the pictures prompted some great discussions. You will see everything from a little boy who lives in a makeshift shack on top of a garbage dump to a pageant-queen 4-year-old with her decked-out princess bedroom. Check it out here: Where Children Sleep. Thanks Chrysula!
Our daughter Saydi’s Shumway’s contribution was hilarious! Just take a look at this post called Seriously Pottery Barn? The picture is so ridiculous that is will make you laugh and the commentary is even funnier!
Our friend Rachel Denning whom we met in India last summer while working full-time with her family in India at Rising Star Outreach.org did a terrific post called 4 Surefire Signs Your Kids are Stuck in the Entitlment Trap HERE.
Another outstanding post by Whitney Johnson points out that we want to do everything for our kids when what they really need is parents who make them do things for themselves! See if we don’t all fall into this trap HERE. Both Whitney and Macy Robison who did a wonderful post HERE are hosting their own giveaways just to move things along. Thanks you two!
Literally hundreds of moms (and some dads) posted on Monday for which we are so very grateful! We won’t know our numbers until the release date of the book on September 6th but we do know that our publishers at Penguin are thrilled with the pre-sales thanks to you!
Monday, August 15, 2011
If kids don’t choose and work and earn, they will not feel ownership
If kids don’t choose and work and earn, they will not feel ownership, and if they don’t feel ownership, they will not value or maintain or feel responsibility.
The whole connecting concept can be diagramed:
(a triangle)
OWNERSHIP
(having chosen
and earned something)
WORK RESPONSIBILITY
(working for, (valuing and
working on, or taking pride in)
working with)
All the lines of the triangle work in all directions. Work creates ownership and ownership motivates work. Ownership breeds responsibility and responsibility serves ownership. Responsibility requires work, and work underscores responsibility.
But the place to start with kids is ownership. Giving them the real (and early) opportunity to own things, from money to choices, is what starts the ball rolling and leads inevitably to work and responsibility.
The whole connecting concept can be diagramed:
(a triangle)
OWNERSHIP
(having chosen
and earned something)
WORK RESPONSIBILITY
(working for, (valuing and
working on, or taking pride in)
working with)
All the lines of the triangle work in all directions. Work creates ownership and ownership motivates work. Ownership breeds responsibility and responsibility serves ownership. Responsibility requires work, and work underscores responsibility.
But the place to start with kids is ownership. Giving them the real (and early) opportunity to own things, from money to choices, is what starts the ball rolling and leads inevitably to work and responsibility.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Seven questions...
Lets play a little question and answer game. Seven questions. We will ask, you answer. Then we will tell you the most common answers we get from other parents:
1. What would you LIKE to give your kids?
The most common answers:
“Self-esteem”
“Self-discipline”
“Self-confidence”
“Self-motivation”
“Happiness”
“Good judgement”
2. What is the problem with this list of things we all want to give our kids?
The answer usually comes to parents quickly:
“None of them are things that can be given. They must be developed from within. That’s why so many of them start with ‘self’.”
Then we darken the mental atmosphere of the room a little bit, suggest candor and brutal honesty and ask…
3. “What ARE you giving your kids?”
There are always some positive answers…. “love,” “opportunity,” “education,” “freedom.”
But there are also a host of obvious negatives:
“indulgence”
“entitlement”
“instant gratification”
“stuff”,
“materialism”
4. What SHOULD you be be giving them?
Consensus usually comes quickly…..and guiltily:
“Responsibility. We should be giving them more responsibility.”
5. “Is responsibility an easy thing to give?”
“No.”
6. “Why?”
A host of answers:
“It’s easier to do things yourself”
“They don’t want it, won’t take it.”
“We don’t want them to fail.”
“Their friends don’t have it.”
So here is the problem: Responsibility is a tricky thing to give, and when we do try to give it, we find that it is not perceived or believed by the children we are trying to give it to.
It’s hard to just hand over responsibility. Most parents try it by saying something like this to their child:
“I’m giving you responsibility! So now you’ve got to start taking care of all your own stuff!”
And then nothing happens, absolutely nothing changes!
Why not?
Well, take a moment and study that italicized quote above. There is one key word in it that we need to focus on. It is a little word. It starts with “O” and it is the key to more than you can imagine.
It is also the answer to the next question….
7. What CAN you Give our Children?
The little word is “own” and the answer to what we can give our kids is Ownership! It is only when they perceive ownership that they can begin to feel responsibility.
1. What would you LIKE to give your kids?
The most common answers:
“Self-esteem”
“Self-discipline”
“Self-confidence”
“Self-motivation”
“Happiness”
“Good judgement”
2. What is the problem with this list of things we all want to give our kids?
The answer usually comes to parents quickly:
“None of them are things that can be given. They must be developed from within. That’s why so many of them start with ‘self’.”
Then we darken the mental atmosphere of the room a little bit, suggest candor and brutal honesty and ask…
3. “What ARE you giving your kids?”
There are always some positive answers…. “love,” “opportunity,” “education,” “freedom.”
But there are also a host of obvious negatives:
“indulgence”
“entitlement”
“instant gratification”
“stuff”,
“materialism”
4. What SHOULD you be be giving them?
Consensus usually comes quickly…..and guiltily:
“Responsibility. We should be giving them more responsibility.”
5. “Is responsibility an easy thing to give?”
“No.”
6. “Why?”
A host of answers:
“It’s easier to do things yourself”
“They don’t want it, won’t take it.”
“We don’t want them to fail.”
“Their friends don’t have it.”
So here is the problem: Responsibility is a tricky thing to give, and when we do try to give it, we find that it is not perceived or believed by the children we are trying to give it to.
It’s hard to just hand over responsibility. Most parents try it by saying something like this to their child:
“I’m giving you responsibility! So now you’ve got to start taking care of all your own stuff!”
And then nothing happens, absolutely nothing changes!
Why not?
Well, take a moment and study that italicized quote above. There is one key word in it that we need to focus on. It is a little word. It starts with “O” and it is the key to more than you can imagine.
It is also the answer to the next question….
7. What CAN you Give our Children?
The little word is “own” and the answer to what we can give our kids is Ownership! It is only when they perceive ownership that they can begin to feel responsibility.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
How Parents can Succeed where America is Failing
Do you find yourself getting a little tired of the debt ceiling debate? Of the petty haggling and positioning of politicians? And of the deficit-spending, multi-trillion dollar debt, and the let-future-generations-pay-for-it mentality?
Why don’t we get it that the real problem is not the debt ceiling, it is the debt itself!
America’s “raising our debt ceiling so we can pay for our current obligations” is a little ridiculous isn’t it? To borrow more and more so we can pay the interest on our ever growing debt---does that make any kind of sense?
Isn’t it analogous to a family that goes into their bank and asks “Could you just raise our credit limit on our cards so that we can pay the interest on our credit card debt?” A good bank would say “no, why should we let you increase your debt to pay interest on the debt you already have? That would just exacerbate your problem.” The bank might work with the family to help them budget and meet their payments, but if that proved impossible, they would not bail the family out or offer them a stimulus package. They might just have to let the family resort to bankruptcy because, you see, that family is not “too big to fail.”
Our current congress and this administration is certainly not a good bank. Instead of forcing America to pay down our debts and live within our means, they seem to think that the way out of debt is to borrow more. They think it is better to print more money than to stop run-away spending and balance the budget. Our whole country, even its news institutions, is just way too oriented to spending and to borrowing. As I am writing this column the commentator on CNN is bemoaning the recently reported statistic that Americans are, because of the economic uncertainties, beginning to save more. “So this will really bring down the economy” the commentator says, “People don’t have enough confidence to go out and spend. The problem with more saving is that it will bring about less spending and therefore less money being lent and less business expansion and slower growth.”
What has gone wrong with our thinking in America? When did we decide to build our whole economy on debt? How have we let ourselves fall into this entitlement trap where we think we should have everything we want, right now, without waiting; and where our country outspends its revenue every year and inevitably ends up leaving the debt to our children to pay?
And here is the more personal question: Is the same kind of debt-oriented thinking affecting our most basic institution of the family? Of our individual homes? Of our household finances?
When we ask young people how much their cars cost, they don’t know. They just know how much their monthly payments are. They know what the minimum payment amount is on their credit cards, but they don’t pay much attention to the total credit card debt they have accumulated. They are more worried about a low credit score than about a low (or negative) bank balance. A recent study showed that American thirty-somethings think that personal debt is a status symbol. The bottom line is that they have developed the habit of living on and thinking in terms of credit! Of spending before they earn. Of instant gratification. Of being governed by their wants rather than their needs.
The forgotten alternative of actually waiting for something, of saving, of delayed gratification, of putting away a little until it accumulates to the level where they could buy something without credit has not occurred to them! It is well depicted in a Saturday Night Live parody where Steve Martin plays a husband in a skit, sitting down with his wife to try to tackle their debt problem. Someone shows him a book called “Don’t buy stuff you cannot afford.” Martin is totally confused “But what if you want it but just don’t have the money?” The idea of not buying something when you really want it seems completely foreign, almost un-American to him. (see http://www.hulu.com/watch/1389/saturday-night-live-dont-buy-stuff)
The skit is funny, but what is not very funny at all is that we have a whole generation of spend-first-pay-later parents who are indulgently raising kids who develop a total entitlement attitude which destroys everything from their motivation to their gratitude. We are laying little, personal entitlement traps for our own kids!
So is it possible for your family to succeed where America is failing? Yes! Absolutely! But you have to avoid a lot of the things the government is doing and do many of the things the government is not doing. Don’t give kids so much money and toys. Make them earn their spending money. Teach them budgeting and savings. Don’t bail them out when they run out of money. Set up a family bank where they can save part of the money they earn. Have a system where they can, if they are responsible and accountable, earn enough to buy their own “stuff” rather than asking you for it. Make them work and save and wait for things that they think they want right now.
Spring the entitlement trap and get it out of your house. And enjoy the purging process! Elementary and Middle school age kids are flattered by responsibility and will be complimented by the fact that you think them capable of earning their own money and making their own purchases and choices.
And, come to think about it, maybe that is how we will save America—one family at a time!
Why don’t we get it that the real problem is not the debt ceiling, it is the debt itself!
America’s “raising our debt ceiling so we can pay for our current obligations” is a little ridiculous isn’t it? To borrow more and more so we can pay the interest on our ever growing debt---does that make any kind of sense?
Isn’t it analogous to a family that goes into their bank and asks “Could you just raise our credit limit on our cards so that we can pay the interest on our credit card debt?” A good bank would say “no, why should we let you increase your debt to pay interest on the debt you already have? That would just exacerbate your problem.” The bank might work with the family to help them budget and meet their payments, but if that proved impossible, they would not bail the family out or offer them a stimulus package. They might just have to let the family resort to bankruptcy because, you see, that family is not “too big to fail.”
Our current congress and this administration is certainly not a good bank. Instead of forcing America to pay down our debts and live within our means, they seem to think that the way out of debt is to borrow more. They think it is better to print more money than to stop run-away spending and balance the budget. Our whole country, even its news institutions, is just way too oriented to spending and to borrowing. As I am writing this column the commentator on CNN is bemoaning the recently reported statistic that Americans are, because of the economic uncertainties, beginning to save more. “So this will really bring down the economy” the commentator says, “People don’t have enough confidence to go out and spend. The problem with more saving is that it will bring about less spending and therefore less money being lent and less business expansion and slower growth.”
What has gone wrong with our thinking in America? When did we decide to build our whole economy on debt? How have we let ourselves fall into this entitlement trap where we think we should have everything we want, right now, without waiting; and where our country outspends its revenue every year and inevitably ends up leaving the debt to our children to pay?
And here is the more personal question: Is the same kind of debt-oriented thinking affecting our most basic institution of the family? Of our individual homes? Of our household finances?
When we ask young people how much their cars cost, they don’t know. They just know how much their monthly payments are. They know what the minimum payment amount is on their credit cards, but they don’t pay much attention to the total credit card debt they have accumulated. They are more worried about a low credit score than about a low (or negative) bank balance. A recent study showed that American thirty-somethings think that personal debt is a status symbol. The bottom line is that they have developed the habit of living on and thinking in terms of credit! Of spending before they earn. Of instant gratification. Of being governed by their wants rather than their needs.
The forgotten alternative of actually waiting for something, of saving, of delayed gratification, of putting away a little until it accumulates to the level where they could buy something without credit has not occurred to them! It is well depicted in a Saturday Night Live parody where Steve Martin plays a husband in a skit, sitting down with his wife to try to tackle their debt problem. Someone shows him a book called “Don’t buy stuff you cannot afford.” Martin is totally confused “But what if you want it but just don’t have the money?” The idea of not buying something when you really want it seems completely foreign, almost un-American to him. (see http://www.hulu.com/watch/1389/saturday-night-live-dont-buy-stuff)
The skit is funny, but what is not very funny at all is that we have a whole generation of spend-first-pay-later parents who are indulgently raising kids who develop a total entitlement attitude which destroys everything from their motivation to their gratitude. We are laying little, personal entitlement traps for our own kids!
So is it possible for your family to succeed where America is failing? Yes! Absolutely! But you have to avoid a lot of the things the government is doing and do many of the things the government is not doing. Don’t give kids so much money and toys. Make them earn their spending money. Teach them budgeting and savings. Don’t bail them out when they run out of money. Set up a family bank where they can save part of the money they earn. Have a system where they can, if they are responsible and accountable, earn enough to buy their own “stuff” rather than asking you for it. Make them work and save and wait for things that they think they want right now.
Spring the entitlement trap and get it out of your house. And enjoy the purging process! Elementary and Middle school age kids are flattered by responsibility and will be complimented by the fact that you think them capable of earning their own money and making their own purchases and choices.
And, come to think about it, maybe that is how we will save America—one family at a time!
Monday, August 8, 2011
In polls among the parents of elementary and middle school kids
In polls among the parents of elementary and middle school kids, over half of respondents identify ENTITLEMENT as the biggest parenting challenge they face. A sense of entitlement is the polar opposite of a sense of responsibility and robs kids of initiative and motivation.
Kids’ sense of economic entitlement can be largely fixed by taking two simple steps:
1. Stop buying toys and games and gadgets for them and eliminate allowances that are not performance-based. "Allowance" is a welfare or entitlement term and promotes the idea of something for nothing.
2. Set up a simple family economy where kids have a couple of basic chores involving the common areas of the home and keep track of when they do those chores. Have them also keep a record of the days when they finish their homework, music practice, or other tasks that you designate without being reminded. Assign numbers to these daily responsibilities (don't have more than three or four) and tell them they can fill out a slip each day with the number of tasks completed, get it initialed by a parent, and put it in a big sturdy box with a lock on it and a slot in the top. That box becomes the family bank, and on Saturdays it is opened and instead of “allowance” you have "payday" where kids receive an amount proportionate to how many tasks they remembered and completed. They then are responsible for buying all their own clothes, toys, and gadgets.
It is this sense of “earned ownership” that counteracts entitlement!
And once you have it working for your kids’ money and toys and clothes, you can begin to apply the same ownership principle to even more important things like their grades, their goals, their choices, and their values.
The Entitlement Trap is the product of a decade-long search for practical, workable ideas and methods for helping elementary and middle school age kids take real ownership of all aspects of their lives and thus to make parents their consultants and helpers rather than their nagging, control-taking, initiative-destroying managers.
Thousands of parents have already pre ordered The Entitlement Trap, insuring that they will receive it on the very day it is published (and taking advantage of the pre order discount at Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com and other places where books can be ordered on line.)
It is already clear that The Entitlement Trap is going to be more than a book. It is becoming a movement and a cause made up of parents who want to prepare their children to thrive in this economic hurricane and who know that the only we can save this debt-ridden and entitled country of ours is one child at a time, one family at a time!
Kids’ sense of economic entitlement can be largely fixed by taking two simple steps:
1. Stop buying toys and games and gadgets for them and eliminate allowances that are not performance-based. "Allowance" is a welfare or entitlement term and promotes the idea of something for nothing.
2. Set up a simple family economy where kids have a couple of basic chores involving the common areas of the home and keep track of when they do those chores. Have them also keep a record of the days when they finish their homework, music practice, or other tasks that you designate without being reminded. Assign numbers to these daily responsibilities (don't have more than three or four) and tell them they can fill out a slip each day with the number of tasks completed, get it initialed by a parent, and put it in a big sturdy box with a lock on it and a slot in the top. That box becomes the family bank, and on Saturdays it is opened and instead of “allowance” you have "payday" where kids receive an amount proportionate to how many tasks they remembered and completed. They then are responsible for buying all their own clothes, toys, and gadgets.
It is this sense of “earned ownership” that counteracts entitlement!
And once you have it working for your kids’ money and toys and clothes, you can begin to apply the same ownership principle to even more important things like their grades, their goals, their choices, and their values.
The Entitlement Trap is the product of a decade-long search for practical, workable ideas and methods for helping elementary and middle school age kids take real ownership of all aspects of their lives and thus to make parents their consultants and helpers rather than their nagging, control-taking, initiative-destroying managers.
Thousands of parents have already pre ordered The Entitlement Trap, insuring that they will receive it on the very day it is published (and taking advantage of the pre order discount at Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com and other places where books can be ordered on line.)
It is already clear that The Entitlement Trap is going to be more than a book. It is becoming a movement and a cause made up of parents who want to prepare their children to thrive in this economic hurricane and who know that the only we can save this debt-ridden and entitled country of ours is one child at a time, one family at a time!
Thursday, August 4, 2011
The entitlement problem is not just about allowances and money...
The entitlement problem is not just about allowances and money and cell phones and “stuff.” It’s tentacles reach into virtually every aspect of our children’s lives.
It impacts their education where they feel they should not have to work for their grades, or that someone should do their homework for them, or that they, rather than the teacher, should decide what they want to learn.
It impacts their relationships where they think parents should work out their fights or conflicts with other kids and that they should be able to do anything they want with anyone they choose and have everything that any of their friends have.
It impacts their health and their safety because they feel entitled to eat what they want (or not eat what they don’t want), go to bed when they feel like it, and do what other kids are doing whether it’s safe or not.
It impacts their ability to set goals, because when one is entitled, who needs goals? And it impacts their ability to adopt and commit to values because when entitlement is the predominating false value, it chokes out all the true ones.
It impacts their ability to work, and to earn, and to care for things, because within their entitlement attitude, they should never really need to do any of those things.
It impacts their pride, their sense of accomplishment, and their self esteem, because those are things that come from working, earning, choosing and owning.
It impacts their education where they feel they should not have to work for their grades, or that someone should do their homework for them, or that they, rather than the teacher, should decide what they want to learn.
It impacts their relationships where they think parents should work out their fights or conflicts with other kids and that they should be able to do anything they want with anyone they choose and have everything that any of their friends have.
It impacts their health and their safety because they feel entitled to eat what they want (or not eat what they don’t want), go to bed when they feel like it, and do what other kids are doing whether it’s safe or not.
It impacts their ability to set goals, because when one is entitled, who needs goals? And it impacts their ability to adopt and commit to values because when entitlement is the predominating false value, it chokes out all the true ones.
It impacts their ability to work, and to earn, and to care for things, because within their entitlement attitude, they should never really need to do any of those things.
It impacts their pride, their sense of accomplishment, and their self esteem, because those are things that come from working, earning, choosing and owning.
Monday, August 1, 2011
What do parents think their kids are really entitled to...
The other night, we asked an audience of parents what they thought their kids really were entitled to, and the early responses are unanimous: to our love, to be fed and clothed, to be well treated….
Most say they think children are entitled to parents who love them unconditionally and who think of them as their top priority.
But then there starts to be some division….Are they entitled to a college education? To a generous allowance? To having their room cleaned and their clothes washed and their meals prepared and to have things cleaned up after them?
Are small children entitled to eat only what they want and like? Are they entitled not to obey you if they don’t like what you ask them to do?
Sometimes for parents, it’s more about being wise than about being generous….
And its about what kids need more than about what they want or about what our love would like to give them.
Most say they think children are entitled to parents who love them unconditionally and who think of them as their top priority.
But then there starts to be some division….Are they entitled to a college education? To a generous allowance? To having their room cleaned and their clothes washed and their meals prepared and to have things cleaned up after them?
Are small children entitled to eat only what they want and like? Are they entitled not to obey you if they don’t like what you ask them to do?
Sometimes for parents, it’s more about being wise than about being generous….
And its about what kids need more than about what they want or about what our love would like to give them.
Friday, July 29, 2011
A sense of entitlement
A sense of entitlement casts a wide net. Kids feel entitled to
Name brand clothes,
Spending money,
Technology, from cell phones and lap tops to Wi games and ipods,
Education at all its levels whether they apply themselves or not,
Access to friends whenever they want, and to whatever their friends have,
“Freedom” to do what they want and be where they want whenever they want.
The interesting thing is that the things kids feel entitled to are the very things we would like them to feel responsibility for.
Name brand clothes,
Spending money,
Technology, from cell phones and lap tops to Wi games and ipods,
Education at all its levels whether they apply themselves or not,
Access to friends whenever they want, and to whatever their friends have,
“Freedom” to do what they want and be where they want whenever they want.
The interesting thing is that the things kids feel entitled to are the very things we would like them to feel responsibility for.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
In the name of love
In the name of love, we give our kids
indulgence rather than consequences…..
instant rather than delayed gratification….
laziness rather than discipline…..
dependence rather than independence….
and entitlement rather than responsibility.
indulgence rather than consequences…..
instant rather than delayed gratification….
laziness rather than discipline…..
dependence rather than independence….
and entitlement rather than responsibility.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Entitlement Horror Stories
Thanks for your inputs on Entitlement. We thought we would just post a few of your “stories” from the hundreds we have received: (If nothing else, this will make parents realize that they are “not alone” in facing the Entitlement Trap.)
“Our eight year old son was aghast when his we suggested he might have to work to earn some money to replace the neighbor’s window that he had broken while throwing rocks. ‘You’re my mom, that’s the kind of thing you are supposed to take care of.’”
“My nine year old came up to me the other day and said, "I have to have a credit card. . . or a cell phone. At least one of them."
“A few months back my four year old was asked to pick up her things and straighten the bathroom she had just destroyed by giving her Barbie a bath. Her response was, ‘Isn’t that what Maria is for?’ Maria is the very kind woman who has helped clean and babysit while I worked part time from home the last couple of years.”
“A few weeks ago, I was shopping with my four year old, who saw something he "really wanted". He got upset when I said "no" and angrily asked me why I wouldn't buy it for him. My response was "Because I don't want to spend the money on that". He frowned, growled at me and said "Fine, then you just give me the money and I'll pay for it."
“Our eight year old son was aghast when his we suggested he might have to work to earn some money to replace the neighbor’s window that he had broken while throwing rocks. ‘You’re my mom, that’s the kind of thing you are supposed to take care of.’”
“My nine year old came up to me the other day and said, "I have to have a credit card. . . or a cell phone. At least one of them."
“A few months back my four year old was asked to pick up her things and straighten the bathroom she had just destroyed by giving her Barbie a bath. Her response was, ‘Isn’t that what Maria is for?’ Maria is the very kind woman who has helped clean and babysit while I worked part time from home the last couple of years.”
“A few weeks ago, I was shopping with my four year old, who saw something he "really wanted". He got upset when I said "no" and angrily asked me why I wouldn't buy it for him. My response was "Because I don't want to spend the money on that". He frowned, growled at me and said "Fine, then you just give me the money and I'll pay for it."
Friday, July 15, 2011
A sense of entitlement
A sense of entitlement (which is the polar opposite of a sense of responsibility) is endemic among children today.
It is fostered by our demanding, narcissistic society where wants are confused with needs and where everyone seems focused on the notion that he deserves what everyone else has. Gone are the days when kids expected to have to work for something, even for acclaim. Everyone gets a trophy now, everyone is recognized, and everyone is special.
Kids grow up in a reality-show world, thinking of themselves as the central character on the stage. They have a facebook page, they are famous in their own minds, they are like rock stars, and to them there is no room (and no need) for true emotional empathy, or self examination, or personal responsibility. Nor is there much incentive or motivation to learn to work.
And they think they are entitled not to have limits or boundaries or discipline.
And it is us parents, by not saying “no” and by giving them what they demand, that become the ultimate enablers.
In their book Living in the age of Entitlement, The Narcissism Epidemic, Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell explain it this way:
“It is increasingly common to see parents relinquishing authority to young children, showering them with unearned praise, protecting them from their teachers’ criticisms, giving them expensive automobiles, and allowing them to have freedom but not the responsibility that goes with it. Not that long ago, kids knew who the boss was—and it wasn’t them. It was Mom and Dad. And Mom and Dad weren’t your “friends.” They were your parents.”
Then Twenge and Campbell get at one of the true causes of entitlement:
“The sea change in parenting is driven by the core cultural value of self admiration and positive feelings. Parents want their kids’ approval, a reversal of the past ideal of children striving for their parents’ approval.”
And as our lives get busier and busier, as both parents work, and as the disconnect grows greater between what we say our priorities are and where we actually spend our thought and energy, we parents give our kids things instead of time, spoiling them as we add fuel to the entitlement flame.
Dan Kindlon, in his book Too Much of a Good Thing puts it simply:
“We give our kids too much and demand too little of them.”
Kindlon goes on to argue that when kids are overindulged, it leads to outcomes resembling the seven deadly sins: pride, wrath, envy, sloth, gluttony, lust, and greed.
DON’T WORRY, WE ARE JUST ABOUT DONE TALKING ABOUT THE PROBLEM AND WILL START POSTING PARTS OF THE ANSWER VERY SOON.
It is fostered by our demanding, narcissistic society where wants are confused with needs and where everyone seems focused on the notion that he deserves what everyone else has. Gone are the days when kids expected to have to work for something, even for acclaim. Everyone gets a trophy now, everyone is recognized, and everyone is special.
Kids grow up in a reality-show world, thinking of themselves as the central character on the stage. They have a facebook page, they are famous in their own minds, they are like rock stars, and to them there is no room (and no need) for true emotional empathy, or self examination, or personal responsibility. Nor is there much incentive or motivation to learn to work.
And they think they are entitled not to have limits or boundaries or discipline.
And it is us parents, by not saying “no” and by giving them what they demand, that become the ultimate enablers.
In their book Living in the age of Entitlement, The Narcissism Epidemic, Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell explain it this way:
“It is increasingly common to see parents relinquishing authority to young children, showering them with unearned praise, protecting them from their teachers’ criticisms, giving them expensive automobiles, and allowing them to have freedom but not the responsibility that goes with it. Not that long ago, kids knew who the boss was—and it wasn’t them. It was Mom and Dad. And Mom and Dad weren’t your “friends.” They were your parents.”
Then Twenge and Campbell get at one of the true causes of entitlement:
“The sea change in parenting is driven by the core cultural value of self admiration and positive feelings. Parents want their kids’ approval, a reversal of the past ideal of children striving for their parents’ approval.”
And as our lives get busier and busier, as both parents work, and as the disconnect grows greater between what we say our priorities are and where we actually spend our thought and energy, we parents give our kids things instead of time, spoiling them as we add fuel to the entitlement flame.
Dan Kindlon, in his book Too Much of a Good Thing puts it simply:
“We give our kids too much and demand too little of them.”
Kindlon goes on to argue that when kids are overindulged, it leads to outcomes resembling the seven deadly sins: pride, wrath, envy, sloth, gluttony, lust, and greed.
DON’T WORRY, WE ARE JUST ABOUT DONE TALKING ABOUT THE PROBLEM AND WILL START POSTING PARTS OF THE ANSWER VERY SOON.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Lots of Questions—all with the Same Answer
Last week, speaking to a great group of parents, we opened the meeting to questions. Here were some of the ones we got:
Why do my kids sometimes make such obviously bad and foolish choices?
Why don’t they put in the effort at school to reach their full potential?
Why won't they pick up their clothes or put away their toys?
Why do they think they need to have everything their friends have?
Why is it so hard for me to influence my kids.....and so easy for their friends to influence them?
Why can't I get them to set some goals and to start feeling responsible for their lives?
Why can’t I get them to work, why won’t they follow through on their tasks?
What ever happened to self-discipline and self-reliance and delayed gratification?
Why can’t I get them away from games and gadgets, from cell phones and headphones?
Why can’t I motivate my kids? Or communicate with them? Or teach them responsibility?
As we listened, we realized that ALL the questions hinge on the same problem—and the problem is entitlement.
“Entitlement” is the best name we know for the attitude of children who think they can have, should have, and deserve whatever they want, whatever their friends have—and that they should have it now, and not have to earn it or give anything for it.
And it goes beyond having to behaving. They think they should be able to do whatever they want, whatever their friends do, now, and without a price.
A sense of entitlement contributes mightily to laziness, to low motivation, to boredom, to messiness, to bad choices, to instant gratification and constant demands for more, and to addictions (including the addiction to technology).
Why do my kids sometimes make such obviously bad and foolish choices?
Why don’t they put in the effort at school to reach their full potential?
Why won't they pick up their clothes or put away their toys?
Why do they think they need to have everything their friends have?
Why is it so hard for me to influence my kids.....and so easy for their friends to influence them?
Why can't I get them to set some goals and to start feeling responsible for their lives?
Why can’t I get them to work, why won’t they follow through on their tasks?
What ever happened to self-discipline and self-reliance and delayed gratification?
Why can’t I get them away from games and gadgets, from cell phones and headphones?
Why can’t I motivate my kids? Or communicate with them? Or teach them responsibility?
As we listened, we realized that ALL the questions hinge on the same problem—and the problem is entitlement.
“Entitlement” is the best name we know for the attitude of children who think they can have, should have, and deserve whatever they want, whatever their friends have—and that they should have it now, and not have to earn it or give anything for it.
And it goes beyond having to behaving. They think they should be able to do whatever they want, whatever their friends do, now, and without a price.
A sense of entitlement contributes mightily to laziness, to low motivation, to boredom, to messiness, to bad choices, to instant gratification and constant demands for more, and to addictions (including the addiction to technology).
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
What if We’re Wrong about some Things…..and it is throwing our Parenting off course?
We were looking through the parenting section in a bookstore the other day and realizing that most of the volumes there were not written for NOW. They fail to deal with the newest and most scary thing facing kids today—the entitlement attitude that surrounds them every day!
Continuing on with the scare tactics of last post, lets all ask ourselves some more questions, self-examining questions, that may help us to re-invent our parenting a bit and make it fit better with the times our kids are growing up in!
This book asks you to be brave enough, and to love your kids enough to ask yourself some scary questions:
What if our pat answers on nearly every aspect of parenting are not working any more……and we are operating on the wrong assumptions on almost every aspect of raising our kids?
What if our WHY is wrong….
and it’s not really about making our own lives easier or our kids’ lives more pleasant but about teaching them—early—to be more independent and more responsible and to make good choices and tough decisions?
What if our WHAT is wrong…..
and it’s not really about giving them everything they want and everything we’d like them to have but about helping them to earn things for themselves and to perceive ownership and self-reliance?
What if our WHEN is wrong…..
and it’s really not their babyhood and teen age years when they need the most attention, but their elementary and middle school years when they should be making the transition between dependent childhood and the beginnings of independent, responsible adulthood?
What if our WHO and WHERE are wrong…..
and we really can’t depend on the teachers and coaches and tutors and nannies and care-givers to do the work, and its not in the school but in the home where they have to learn character and choice making and money management?
And what if our HOW is wrong…..
and it’s not about the re-active defense of trying to sort out what to do when they have problems but about the pro-active offense of building the values and skills that anticipate and avoid many of the problems?
The simple fact is that our world has changed and our parenting must change to meet it!!
Continuing on with the scare tactics of last post, lets all ask ourselves some more questions, self-examining questions, that may help us to re-invent our parenting a bit and make it fit better with the times our kids are growing up in!
This book asks you to be brave enough, and to love your kids enough to ask yourself some scary questions:
What if our pat answers on nearly every aspect of parenting are not working any more……and we are operating on the wrong assumptions on almost every aspect of raising our kids?
What if our WHY is wrong….
and it’s not really about making our own lives easier or our kids’ lives more pleasant but about teaching them—early—to be more independent and more responsible and to make good choices and tough decisions?
What if our WHAT is wrong…..
and it’s not really about giving them everything they want and everything we’d like them to have but about helping them to earn things for themselves and to perceive ownership and self-reliance?
What if our WHEN is wrong…..
and it’s really not their babyhood and teen age years when they need the most attention, but their elementary and middle school years when they should be making the transition between dependent childhood and the beginnings of independent, responsible adulthood?
What if our WHO and WHERE are wrong…..
and we really can’t depend on the teachers and coaches and tutors and nannies and care-givers to do the work, and its not in the school but in the home where they have to learn character and choice making and money management?
And what if our HOW is wrong…..
and it’s not about the re-active defense of trying to sort out what to do when they have problems but about the pro-active offense of building the values and skills that anticipate and avoid many of the problems?
The simple fact is that our world has changed and our parenting must change to meet it!!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Not to scare you, but……
You know from previous posts here that you are not alone if you worry about the entitlement attitudes of your kids. The problem is that some of us laugh about it a little too much and don’t try hard enough to find solutions for it.
So in this post, let us try to shake all of us up a little by asking some serious questions that maybe should scare us even a little more (in order to motivate us to DO more about it). So here goes….
Are you letting your kids fall into a trap that can make their lives (and yours) miserable?
Instead of giving our kids a sense of responsibility, are you giving them the exact opposite—a sense of entitlement?
Are you setting your kids up for disaster by not teaching them how to handle money?
Is your home a little microcosm of a bad economy and a sick society….built on wants rather than needs, and on bail outs, debt, and instant gratification?
Are yesterday’s parenting methods completely unsuited for today’s world?
And are some of the “old reliables” like allowances and withholding of privileges just not helpful anymore and perhaps even becoming counterproductive in raising responsible kids?
Is the technology that surrounds and suffocates our kids causing them to think that everything is “instant”…. sapping our children of real world experience and taking away their chances to earn and to wait and to make good choices and become responsible?
What if many of our basic notions of parenting, lots of the ways our parents raised us, and much of what we read from “experts” in parenting books is now working against us in our efforts to raise kids who are prepared for the world they will inherit?
So in this post, let us try to shake all of us up a little by asking some serious questions that maybe should scare us even a little more (in order to motivate us to DO more about it). So here goes….
Are you letting your kids fall into a trap that can make their lives (and yours) miserable?
Instead of giving our kids a sense of responsibility, are you giving them the exact opposite—a sense of entitlement?
Are you setting your kids up for disaster by not teaching them how to handle money?
Is your home a little microcosm of a bad economy and a sick society….built on wants rather than needs, and on bail outs, debt, and instant gratification?
Are yesterday’s parenting methods completely unsuited for today’s world?
And are some of the “old reliables” like allowances and withholding of privileges just not helpful anymore and perhaps even becoming counterproductive in raising responsible kids?
Is the technology that surrounds and suffocates our kids causing them to think that everything is “instant”…. sapping our children of real world experience and taking away their chances to earn and to wait and to make good choices and become responsible?
What if many of our basic notions of parenting, lots of the ways our parents raised us, and much of what we read from “experts” in parenting books is now working against us in our efforts to raise kids who are prepared for the world they will inherit?
Monday, June 27, 2011
Why We Call it The Entitlement Trap
Someone who had heard about our new book, set for release this September, and asked us why we called it a TRAP.
The answer we gave her was something like this: Our kids are getting snared by a dangerous trap. Their sense of entitlement, fed by today’s debt-ridden society and instant gratification mentality (and exacerbated by our own indulgent parenting methods) clamps them into frightening patterns of laziness and irresponsibility.
Un-rescued, they will never know the freedom of true independence or develop the initiative to find real fulfillment and happiness in their lives.
The rescue can happen at home, while our children are young. It involves a system that teaches them to earn, to save, to budget, to think ahead, to decide, and to accept ownership and responsibility for everything from their toys to their goals.
The book (and this web page) are all about how to stop indulging our children and start training them to have the economic savvy and the independent choice-making ability to escape the entitlement trap.
The answer we gave her was something like this: Our kids are getting snared by a dangerous trap. Their sense of entitlement, fed by today’s debt-ridden society and instant gratification mentality (and exacerbated by our own indulgent parenting methods) clamps them into frightening patterns of laziness and irresponsibility.
Un-rescued, they will never know the freedom of true independence or develop the initiative to find real fulfillment and happiness in their lives.
The rescue can happen at home, while our children are young. It involves a system that teaches them to earn, to save, to budget, to think ahead, to decide, and to accept ownership and responsibility for everything from their toys to their goals.
The book (and this web page) are all about how to stop indulging our children and start training them to have the economic savvy and the independent choice-making ability to escape the entitlement trap.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Parents Say “Entitlement” is biggest problem of this Generation of Kids
The other night, speaking to a large group of parents, we started off by saying “Nominations are now in order for the toughest parenting problem you face.”
We got a list of 7 Nominations, and then, giving each parent in the audience one vote, we had an election.
The results were quite remarkable! Of the nearly 800 parents who participated on the poll,
a large plurality were most worried about the sense of Entitlement that kids seem to have today. Take a look at the results:
Poll:
What is the biggest problem facing kids (and their parents) today?
Peer pressure
11.2%
Excessive technology and gadgets
27.3%
Bullying
2.5%
A sense of entitlement
41.3%
Drugs and substance abuse
3.3%
Sexual experimentation
13.3%
Sibling rivalry
1.1%
“Entitlement” wins by a wide margin as the biggest problem, with over 41%. But what is REALLY interesting is that the second place finisher (with more than 27%), is “Excessive technology and gadgets” which, when you think about it is really just another way of saying entitlement—kids who think they are entitled to all things electronic.
Combine those top two answers and we have more than two thirds of parents saying that an attitude of Entitlement is the biggest challenge they face with their kids.
We get almost exactly the same results when we ask live audiences of parents the same question. We have been intrigued and surprised by the size of the majority, and we have also been pleased, since the title of our new book, being released by Penguin this Fall is The Entitlement Trap.
Think about it: Two thirds of parents, with no explanation or discussion, voted for Entitlement as the biggest problem of this generation of kids and the biggest worry for this generation of parents.
We ask our audiences why? Their answers are fascinating:
“Entitlement leads to low motivation.”
“Kids they deserve everything and don’t have to earn anything.”
“It makes them disrespectful.”
“They don’t know how to work.”
“They think they have to have everything their friends have.”
“It’s the reason for all the other problems on the list, they think they can do whatever they want.”
This Blog is going to be devoted, week in and week out, to an exploration of this new and HUGE attitude problem of Entitlement. We invite you not only to read it, but to participate in it!
If you have stories or illustrations of an entitlement attitude among kids, send it to us at the “contact us” click on valuesparenting.com.
And if you are one of those parents who votes for Entitlement as a personal parenting challenge and as a trap that your kids are falling into, take comfort, HELP IS ON THE WAY!
We got a list of 7 Nominations, and then, giving each parent in the audience one vote, we had an election.
The results were quite remarkable! Of the nearly 800 parents who participated on the poll,
a large plurality were most worried about the sense of Entitlement that kids seem to have today. Take a look at the results:
Poll:
What is the biggest problem facing kids (and their parents) today?
Peer pressure
11.2%
Excessive technology and gadgets
27.3%
Bullying
2.5%
A sense of entitlement
41.3%
Drugs and substance abuse
3.3%
Sexual experimentation
13.3%
Sibling rivalry
1.1%
“Entitlement” wins by a wide margin as the biggest problem, with over 41%. But what is REALLY interesting is that the second place finisher (with more than 27%), is “Excessive technology and gadgets” which, when you think about it is really just another way of saying entitlement—kids who think they are entitled to all things electronic.
Combine those top two answers and we have more than two thirds of parents saying that an attitude of Entitlement is the biggest challenge they face with their kids.
We get almost exactly the same results when we ask live audiences of parents the same question. We have been intrigued and surprised by the size of the majority, and we have also been pleased, since the title of our new book, being released by Penguin this Fall is The Entitlement Trap.
Think about it: Two thirds of parents, with no explanation or discussion, voted for Entitlement as the biggest problem of this generation of kids and the biggest worry for this generation of parents.
We ask our audiences why? Their answers are fascinating:
“Entitlement leads to low motivation.”
“Kids they deserve everything and don’t have to earn anything.”
“It makes them disrespectful.”
“They don’t know how to work.”
“They think they have to have everything their friends have.”
“It’s the reason for all the other problems on the list, they think they can do whatever they want.”
This Blog is going to be devoted, week in and week out, to an exploration of this new and HUGE attitude problem of Entitlement. We invite you not only to read it, but to participate in it!
If you have stories or illustrations of an entitlement attitude among kids, send it to us at the “contact us” click on valuesparenting.com.
And if you are one of those parents who votes for Entitlement as a personal parenting challenge and as a trap that your kids are falling into, take comfort, HELP IS ON THE WAY!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Webinar Questions about Entitlement
Hello to all of you who are on the journey to combat Entitlement with our kids!
We had so much fun on the webinar last night! There were, of course more questions than we could answer in an hour but we thought we'd just take two or three that were asked more than once and address them on this blog, as promised.
First, several parents asked what to do when children bombard their parents with this age-old complaint: "But Mom, everyone else has an iPod, Wii, cell phone (and on and on) so why can't we?"
It used to be that it only seemed like that to kids but in today's world...it's true! Most kids do have access to all that stuff. A good answer we think is the use of these three words....."in our family". You can kindly explain to your kids that their friends may have all the stuff that your kids want, but "in our family" this is the way we do it. Point out that your family may have other "perks" that those families don't have like family outings, travel and educational opportunities. You can always add, as my mother did when I had to practice the piano and violin many hours a day longer than any of my friends, "Some day you'll thank me for this!" And I do...every day!
Having said that, we are not down on cell phones for kids. Our oldest daughter Saren has a "family phone" that is like their home phone (since they no longer have a home phone) that the younger kids can rotate when the parents need to know where they are and when they are finished at scouts, church activities and at friends' houses. It's a great way to have young kids have access to a phone without feeling that it is theirs! The important thing on this to to decide as a family what the appropriate parameters are for family electonics so that the kids really understand the whats and whys of what happens "in our family".
"What about kids who won't go to the Repenting Bench,"
We addressed this question just a little and agreed that it was best to start when the kids were little when there was no question about whether or not they would go. In our family, the process had been practiced in a family meeting and everyone knew exactly what to expect. It was just part of the "legal system". BUT when you are starting this process with an eight and a thirteen year old that becomes much more complicated. Though we have never done that we suggest that you try to meet with the kids individually (or maybe in the pairs who have the most disagreements) and reason with them with something like this: "We have noticed that there is lots of contention in our house lately and we think that nobody including you is feeling really good about that. We have an idea that you may like or you may want to add to or change that will bring more peace to our home." Present your ideas and truly ask for their input. If they have better ideas, use them. Plan together about a way to resolve disagreements and then maybe even have them sign the agreement or better yet, have them write the agreement themselves. This gives them ownership of the plan so that when push comes to shove (excuse the pun) you can say, "This was your idea and we all agreed so let's do it!" Good luck!
The other oft-asked question: "Can kids earn extra money for things they really want?"
We talked about this when we addressed summer deals, but of course there are many things that kids can earn money for if they are desperate for something their hearts are bursting for! We can't give you specifics but the important thing is they are asking what they can do to earn something rather than asking you to give them something. That's a whole different world! Every family has to figure this out in their own way but that ownership word is the key to success!
We had so much fun on the webinar last night! There were, of course more questions than we could answer in an hour but we thought we'd just take two or three that were asked more than once and address them on this blog, as promised.
First, several parents asked what to do when children bombard their parents with this age-old complaint: "But Mom, everyone else has an iPod, Wii, cell phone (and on and on) so why can't we?"
It used to be that it only seemed like that to kids but in today's world...it's true! Most kids do have access to all that stuff. A good answer we think is the use of these three words....."in our family". You can kindly explain to your kids that their friends may have all the stuff that your kids want, but "in our family" this is the way we do it. Point out that your family may have other "perks" that those families don't have like family outings, travel and educational opportunities. You can always add, as my mother did when I had to practice the piano and violin many hours a day longer than any of my friends, "Some day you'll thank me for this!" And I do...every day!
Having said that, we are not down on cell phones for kids. Our oldest daughter Saren has a "family phone" that is like their home phone (since they no longer have a home phone) that the younger kids can rotate when the parents need to know where they are and when they are finished at scouts, church activities and at friends' houses. It's a great way to have young kids have access to a phone without feeling that it is theirs! The important thing on this to to decide as a family what the appropriate parameters are for family electonics so that the kids really understand the whats and whys of what happens "in our family".
"What about kids who won't go to the Repenting Bench,"
We addressed this question just a little and agreed that it was best to start when the kids were little when there was no question about whether or not they would go. In our family, the process had been practiced in a family meeting and everyone knew exactly what to expect. It was just part of the "legal system". BUT when you are starting this process with an eight and a thirteen year old that becomes much more complicated. Though we have never done that we suggest that you try to meet with the kids individually (or maybe in the pairs who have the most disagreements) and reason with them with something like this: "We have noticed that there is lots of contention in our house lately and we think that nobody including you is feeling really good about that. We have an idea that you may like or you may want to add to or change that will bring more peace to our home." Present your ideas and truly ask for their input. If they have better ideas, use them. Plan together about a way to resolve disagreements and then maybe even have them sign the agreement or better yet, have them write the agreement themselves. This gives them ownership of the plan so that when push comes to shove (excuse the pun) you can say, "This was your idea and we all agreed so let's do it!" Good luck!
The other oft-asked question: "Can kids earn extra money for things they really want?"
We talked about this when we addressed summer deals, but of course there are many things that kids can earn money for if they are desperate for something their hearts are bursting for! We can't give you specifics but the important thing is they are asking what they can do to earn something rather than asking you to give them something. That's a whole different world! Every family has to figure this out in their own way but that ownership word is the key to success!
Monday, June 20, 2011
The world we live in is changing fast
The world we live in is changing fast, and the world our children will inherit will be almost unrecognizably different and more difficult. Are we preparing them for it? Will they have the personal and financial skills to succeed? Will they have the incentive and the self-motivation to find their best selves?
Just as the Eyres’ brilliant #1 bestseller Teaching Your Children Values provided a roadmap for a whole generation of parents in the 90s, their new work The Entitlement Trap gives today’s parents a warning about the trap of indulgence and instant gratification they may be creating for their children. Then it shines breakthrough clarity on what kids will need to cope with our new and unpredictable economic realities, and outlines a remarkable “family economy” that teaches kids to work.”
This book presents a whole new approach for a whole new generation of parents. I predict that it will become the standard for families throughout the world who want to give their kids the training and the tools to succeed financially, emotionally and spiritually in the economic hurricane of the 21st century.”
In the first half of the book, you will learn how to make your kids economically savvy and financially independent….
In the second half, you will learn that the family economic model is just the framework and the metaphor for lessons even more important.
Richard & Linda Eyre
Just as the Eyres’ brilliant #1 bestseller Teaching Your Children Values provided a roadmap for a whole generation of parents in the 90s, their new work The Entitlement Trap gives today’s parents a warning about the trap of indulgence and instant gratification they may be creating for their children. Then it shines breakthrough clarity on what kids will need to cope with our new and unpredictable economic realities, and outlines a remarkable “family economy” that teaches kids to work.”
This book presents a whole new approach for a whole new generation of parents. I predict that it will become the standard for families throughout the world who want to give their kids the training and the tools to succeed financially, emotionally and spiritually in the economic hurricane of the 21st century.”
In the first half of the book, you will learn how to make your kids economically savvy and financially independent….
In the second half, you will learn that the family economic model is just the framework and the metaphor for lessons even more important.
Richard & Linda Eyre
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Entitlement
It seems that the biggest parenting problem of this generation of kids can be stated in one word: “Entitlement!”
As we speak to parenting groups around the world, we often ask them to vote on their greatest worry as parents, and Entitlement always wins! Kids who think they have to have everything they want—and everything their friends have—and have it right now with no waiting and with no working.
Often well over 50% of our audiences say this is the biggest problem, even when their other choices are things like substance abuse, peer pressure, and sexual experimentation.
It just seems that the attitude of entitlement is an epidemic among today’s kids!
And the problem is, to be blunt, parents are not doing anything to solve it. In fact, in most cases they are causing it! (or at least contributing to it.
This web page is devoted to finding answers—answers on how parents can “unspoil” their kids—on how homes and families and parents can become part of the solution rather than part of the problem.
We hope you will visit this page often, that you will find useful, usable ideas, and that you will dialogue with us as we seek to solve the Entitlement Trap, and to save America economically and motivationally—one kid at a time, and one family at a time.
Best, Richard and Linda Eyre
As we speak to parenting groups around the world, we often ask them to vote on their greatest worry as parents, and Entitlement always wins! Kids who think they have to have everything they want—and everything their friends have—and have it right now with no waiting and with no working.
Often well over 50% of our audiences say this is the biggest problem, even when their other choices are things like substance abuse, peer pressure, and sexual experimentation.
It just seems that the attitude of entitlement is an epidemic among today’s kids!
And the problem is, to be blunt, parents are not doing anything to solve it. In fact, in most cases they are causing it! (or at least contributing to it.
This web page is devoted to finding answers—answers on how parents can “unspoil” their kids—on how homes and families and parents can become part of the solution rather than part of the problem.
We hope you will visit this page often, that you will find useful, usable ideas, and that you will dialogue with us as we seek to solve the Entitlement Trap, and to save America economically and motivationally—one kid at a time, and one family at a time.
Best, Richard and Linda Eyre
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Pre Order The Entitlement Trap
Destined to be the Eyres most popular book ever, The Entitlement Trap explains why this generation of kids lacks initiative and the motivation to do their best and then lays out an extraordinary parenting plan for setting up a family economy that gives kids real ownership of their own spending money, their own clothes and toys and electronics, and finally their own bodies, goals, values, choices, education. The perception of ownership, with kids as young as 6 or 7, causes kids to take care of things, to love responsibility, and to reach their full potential. Go to www.valuesparenting.com/entitlement-trap.php to Pre Order the book.
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