The entitlement problem is not just about allowances and money and cell phones and “stuff.” It’s tentacles reach into virtually every aspect of our children’s lives.
It impacts their education where they feel they should not have to work for their grades, or that someone should do their homework for them, or that they, rather than the teacher, should decide what they want to learn.
It impacts their relationships where they think parents should work out their fights or conflicts with other kids and that they should be able to do anything they want with anyone they choose and have everything that any of their friends have.
It impacts their health and their safety because they feel entitled to eat what they want (or not eat what they don’t want), go to bed when they feel like it, and do what other kids are doing whether it’s safe or not.
It impacts their ability to set goals, because when one is entitled, who needs goals? And it impacts their ability to adopt and commit to values because when entitlement is the predominating false value, it chokes out all the true ones.
It impacts their ability to work, and to earn, and to care for things, because within their entitlement attitude, they should never really need to do any of those things.
It impacts their pride, their sense of accomplishment, and their self esteem, because those are things that come from working, earning, choosing and owning.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
What do parents think their kids are really entitled to...
The other night, we asked an audience of parents what they thought their kids really were entitled to, and the early responses are unanimous: to our love, to be fed and clothed, to be well treated….
Most say they think children are entitled to parents who love them unconditionally and who think of them as their top priority.
But then there starts to be some division….Are they entitled to a college education? To a generous allowance? To having their room cleaned and their clothes washed and their meals prepared and to have things cleaned up after them?
Are small children entitled to eat only what they want and like? Are they entitled not to obey you if they don’t like what you ask them to do?
Sometimes for parents, it’s more about being wise than about being generous….
And its about what kids need more than about what they want or about what our love would like to give them.
Most say they think children are entitled to parents who love them unconditionally and who think of them as their top priority.
But then there starts to be some division….Are they entitled to a college education? To a generous allowance? To having their room cleaned and their clothes washed and their meals prepared and to have things cleaned up after them?
Are small children entitled to eat only what they want and like? Are they entitled not to obey you if they don’t like what you ask them to do?
Sometimes for parents, it’s more about being wise than about being generous….
And its about what kids need more than about what they want or about what our love would like to give them.
Friday, July 29, 2011
A sense of entitlement
A sense of entitlement casts a wide net. Kids feel entitled to
Name brand clothes,
Spending money,
Technology, from cell phones and lap tops to Wi games and ipods,
Education at all its levels whether they apply themselves or not,
Access to friends whenever they want, and to whatever their friends have,
“Freedom” to do what they want and be where they want whenever they want.
The interesting thing is that the things kids feel entitled to are the very things we would like them to feel responsibility for.
Name brand clothes,
Spending money,
Technology, from cell phones and lap tops to Wi games and ipods,
Education at all its levels whether they apply themselves or not,
Access to friends whenever they want, and to whatever their friends have,
“Freedom” to do what they want and be where they want whenever they want.
The interesting thing is that the things kids feel entitled to are the very things we would like them to feel responsibility for.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
In the name of love
In the name of love, we give our kids
indulgence rather than consequences…..
instant rather than delayed gratification….
laziness rather than discipline…..
dependence rather than independence….
and entitlement rather than responsibility.
indulgence rather than consequences…..
instant rather than delayed gratification….
laziness rather than discipline…..
dependence rather than independence….
and entitlement rather than responsibility.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Entitlement Horror Stories
Thanks for your inputs on Entitlement. We thought we would just post a few of your “stories” from the hundreds we have received: (If nothing else, this will make parents realize that they are “not alone” in facing the Entitlement Trap.)
“Our eight year old son was aghast when his we suggested he might have to work to earn some money to replace the neighbor’s window that he had broken while throwing rocks. ‘You’re my mom, that’s the kind of thing you are supposed to take care of.’”
“My nine year old came up to me the other day and said, "I have to have a credit card. . . or a cell phone. At least one of them."
“A few months back my four year old was asked to pick up her things and straighten the bathroom she had just destroyed by giving her Barbie a bath. Her response was, ‘Isn’t that what Maria is for?’ Maria is the very kind woman who has helped clean and babysit while I worked part time from home the last couple of years.”
“A few weeks ago, I was shopping with my four year old, who saw something he "really wanted". He got upset when I said "no" and angrily asked me why I wouldn't buy it for him. My response was "Because I don't want to spend the money on that". He frowned, growled at me and said "Fine, then you just give me the money and I'll pay for it."
“Our eight year old son was aghast when his we suggested he might have to work to earn some money to replace the neighbor’s window that he had broken while throwing rocks. ‘You’re my mom, that’s the kind of thing you are supposed to take care of.’”
“My nine year old came up to me the other day and said, "I have to have a credit card. . . or a cell phone. At least one of them."
“A few months back my four year old was asked to pick up her things and straighten the bathroom she had just destroyed by giving her Barbie a bath. Her response was, ‘Isn’t that what Maria is for?’ Maria is the very kind woman who has helped clean and babysit while I worked part time from home the last couple of years.”
“A few weeks ago, I was shopping with my four year old, who saw something he "really wanted". He got upset when I said "no" and angrily asked me why I wouldn't buy it for him. My response was "Because I don't want to spend the money on that". He frowned, growled at me and said "Fine, then you just give me the money and I'll pay for it."
Friday, July 15, 2011
A sense of entitlement
A sense of entitlement (which is the polar opposite of a sense of responsibility) is endemic among children today.
It is fostered by our demanding, narcissistic society where wants are confused with needs and where everyone seems focused on the notion that he deserves what everyone else has. Gone are the days when kids expected to have to work for something, even for acclaim. Everyone gets a trophy now, everyone is recognized, and everyone is special.
Kids grow up in a reality-show world, thinking of themselves as the central character on the stage. They have a facebook page, they are famous in their own minds, they are like rock stars, and to them there is no room (and no need) for true emotional empathy, or self examination, or personal responsibility. Nor is there much incentive or motivation to learn to work.
And they think they are entitled not to have limits or boundaries or discipline.
And it is us parents, by not saying “no” and by giving them what they demand, that become the ultimate enablers.
In their book Living in the age of Entitlement, The Narcissism Epidemic, Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell explain it this way:
“It is increasingly common to see parents relinquishing authority to young children, showering them with unearned praise, protecting them from their teachers’ criticisms, giving them expensive automobiles, and allowing them to have freedom but not the responsibility that goes with it. Not that long ago, kids knew who the boss was—and it wasn’t them. It was Mom and Dad. And Mom and Dad weren’t your “friends.” They were your parents.”
Then Twenge and Campbell get at one of the true causes of entitlement:
“The sea change in parenting is driven by the core cultural value of self admiration and positive feelings. Parents want their kids’ approval, a reversal of the past ideal of children striving for their parents’ approval.”
And as our lives get busier and busier, as both parents work, and as the disconnect grows greater between what we say our priorities are and where we actually spend our thought and energy, we parents give our kids things instead of time, spoiling them as we add fuel to the entitlement flame.
Dan Kindlon, in his book Too Much of a Good Thing puts it simply:
“We give our kids too much and demand too little of them.”
Kindlon goes on to argue that when kids are overindulged, it leads to outcomes resembling the seven deadly sins: pride, wrath, envy, sloth, gluttony, lust, and greed.
DON’T WORRY, WE ARE JUST ABOUT DONE TALKING ABOUT THE PROBLEM AND WILL START POSTING PARTS OF THE ANSWER VERY SOON.
It is fostered by our demanding, narcissistic society where wants are confused with needs and where everyone seems focused on the notion that he deserves what everyone else has. Gone are the days when kids expected to have to work for something, even for acclaim. Everyone gets a trophy now, everyone is recognized, and everyone is special.
Kids grow up in a reality-show world, thinking of themselves as the central character on the stage. They have a facebook page, they are famous in their own minds, they are like rock stars, and to them there is no room (and no need) for true emotional empathy, or self examination, or personal responsibility. Nor is there much incentive or motivation to learn to work.
And they think they are entitled not to have limits or boundaries or discipline.
And it is us parents, by not saying “no” and by giving them what they demand, that become the ultimate enablers.
In their book Living in the age of Entitlement, The Narcissism Epidemic, Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell explain it this way:
“It is increasingly common to see parents relinquishing authority to young children, showering them with unearned praise, protecting them from their teachers’ criticisms, giving them expensive automobiles, and allowing them to have freedom but not the responsibility that goes with it. Not that long ago, kids knew who the boss was—and it wasn’t them. It was Mom and Dad. And Mom and Dad weren’t your “friends.” They were your parents.”
Then Twenge and Campbell get at one of the true causes of entitlement:
“The sea change in parenting is driven by the core cultural value of self admiration and positive feelings. Parents want their kids’ approval, a reversal of the past ideal of children striving for their parents’ approval.”
And as our lives get busier and busier, as both parents work, and as the disconnect grows greater between what we say our priorities are and where we actually spend our thought and energy, we parents give our kids things instead of time, spoiling them as we add fuel to the entitlement flame.
Dan Kindlon, in his book Too Much of a Good Thing puts it simply:
“We give our kids too much and demand too little of them.”
Kindlon goes on to argue that when kids are overindulged, it leads to outcomes resembling the seven deadly sins: pride, wrath, envy, sloth, gluttony, lust, and greed.
DON’T WORRY, WE ARE JUST ABOUT DONE TALKING ABOUT THE PROBLEM AND WILL START POSTING PARTS OF THE ANSWER VERY SOON.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Lots of Questions—all with the Same Answer
Last week, speaking to a great group of parents, we opened the meeting to questions. Here were some of the ones we got:
Why do my kids sometimes make such obviously bad and foolish choices?
Why don’t they put in the effort at school to reach their full potential?
Why won't they pick up their clothes or put away their toys?
Why do they think they need to have everything their friends have?
Why is it so hard for me to influence my kids.....and so easy for their friends to influence them?
Why can't I get them to set some goals and to start feeling responsible for their lives?
Why can’t I get them to work, why won’t they follow through on their tasks?
What ever happened to self-discipline and self-reliance and delayed gratification?
Why can’t I get them away from games and gadgets, from cell phones and headphones?
Why can’t I motivate my kids? Or communicate with them? Or teach them responsibility?
As we listened, we realized that ALL the questions hinge on the same problem—and the problem is entitlement.
“Entitlement” is the best name we know for the attitude of children who think they can have, should have, and deserve whatever they want, whatever their friends have—and that they should have it now, and not have to earn it or give anything for it.
And it goes beyond having to behaving. They think they should be able to do whatever they want, whatever their friends do, now, and without a price.
A sense of entitlement contributes mightily to laziness, to low motivation, to boredom, to messiness, to bad choices, to instant gratification and constant demands for more, and to addictions (including the addiction to technology).
Why do my kids sometimes make such obviously bad and foolish choices?
Why don’t they put in the effort at school to reach their full potential?
Why won't they pick up their clothes or put away their toys?
Why do they think they need to have everything their friends have?
Why is it so hard for me to influence my kids.....and so easy for their friends to influence them?
Why can't I get them to set some goals and to start feeling responsible for their lives?
Why can’t I get them to work, why won’t they follow through on their tasks?
What ever happened to self-discipline and self-reliance and delayed gratification?
Why can’t I get them away from games and gadgets, from cell phones and headphones?
Why can’t I motivate my kids? Or communicate with them? Or teach them responsibility?
As we listened, we realized that ALL the questions hinge on the same problem—and the problem is entitlement.
“Entitlement” is the best name we know for the attitude of children who think they can have, should have, and deserve whatever they want, whatever their friends have—and that they should have it now, and not have to earn it or give anything for it.
And it goes beyond having to behaving. They think they should be able to do whatever they want, whatever their friends do, now, and without a price.
A sense of entitlement contributes mightily to laziness, to low motivation, to boredom, to messiness, to bad choices, to instant gratification and constant demands for more, and to addictions (including the addiction to technology).
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