SUCCESS magazine asked us recently to write some columns and blogs for them and we replied that we would do it only if they would let us make an effort to redefine what “success” really is. (Most of their magazine is about wealth-building and career development, and we wanted to suggest that real and lasting success is more about relationships and family solidarity.)
They agreed, and we began to write about how goals can be just as effectively set for family and for relationships in the home as they can for achievements and accomplishments at work. Our formula centered on writing descriptions of an individual relationship with another family member as you would like it to be five years from now.
Even most accomplished adult goal-setters fail to realize how powerful a “relationship goal” can be. Instead of dealing with some kind of measurable achievement, a relationship goal focuses on improving a particular relationship with another family member or loved one.
And the vehicle for a relationship goal is a descriptive qualitative paragraph instead of a quantitative chart.
Relationship goals take imagination, so kids are often better at setting them than adults. The idea is to write a short description of the relationship you want to have with another family member five years from now. It can become a powerful shaper of the communication and bonds within a family!
One mom who tried this found that her two kids were better at it than she was. The three of them sat down on a Sunday afternoon in 2009, and each, on a piece of paper, tried to write down a “relationship goal” for the other two. The nine year old girl wrote”
“It is 2014, and I am fourteen. My brother is sixteen. He can drive now and he drives me to school. We enjoy being together because I am good at telling him what girls think. He looks after me. We tell each other everything and we trust each other. He helps me decide what classes to take and I help him with his math because I am better at it than he is. We are each other’s best friends.”
Whether these relationship descriptions ever come fully true or not, they can have a guiding influence on how kids view each other and communicate with each other (and with their parents!) They are a form of goal setting that is well worth the writing time in a couple of family meetings!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Young children are really quite amazing when it comes to goals….because goal setting in its simple forms is a very natural and very instinctive process. Kids can quickly see the connections between what they do and what their results are, and they are empowered by making those connections.
The “Joy School” pre school* curriculum that we created many years ago has a unit called “the joy of order and goal-striving” which focuses on giving three and four year olds experiences which lead to a sense of personal accomplishment and control over parts of their environment. We have had quite remarkable feedback about preschool goal-setting experiences from parents/teachers….
One three year old set his goal to stop sucking his thumb. The timeframe was two weeks, and after the first week he was pretty discouraged. “I just can’t help it!” he said. The second week, we were showing the kids how to make a plan to reach their goal, and this little guy brought his little piece of tattered blanket that he rubbed when he sucked his thumb and said “put this up on the refrigerator and don’t let me have it because if I do, I will never reach my goal.”
Another joy school kid, a four year old girl, set a goal to learn to tie her shoe by herself. We made her a pie chart with eight wedges and she decided to color one in each time she worked on the goal. By the time she had colored in all eight wedges, she could do it, and you have never seen a prouder face!
Once a child has really set a goal of his own—one that has come out of his own head, one that he feels ownership of—a magical transformation takes place; and it is a transformation not only of the child but of you! Instead of his manager (or his Drill Sergeant) you now have become his consultant! You are in a position to say “can I help you with your goal?” The initiative has shifted. Since it is his goal, he is responsible for it, he is invested in it, and he cares about it and is motivated to work for it. And your help becomes something he begins to appreciate and even seek rather than something he resents or is intimidated by.
The “Joy School” pre school* curriculum that we created many years ago has a unit called “the joy of order and goal-striving” which focuses on giving three and four year olds experiences which lead to a sense of personal accomplishment and control over parts of their environment. We have had quite remarkable feedback about preschool goal-setting experiences from parents/teachers….
One three year old set his goal to stop sucking his thumb. The timeframe was two weeks, and after the first week he was pretty discouraged. “I just can’t help it!” he said. The second week, we were showing the kids how to make a plan to reach their goal, and this little guy brought his little piece of tattered blanket that he rubbed when he sucked his thumb and said “put this up on the refrigerator and don’t let me have it because if I do, I will never reach my goal.”
Another joy school kid, a four year old girl, set a goal to learn to tie her shoe by herself. We made her a pie chart with eight wedges and she decided to color one in each time she worked on the goal. By the time she had colored in all eight wedges, she could do it, and you have never seen a prouder face!
Once a child has really set a goal of his own—one that has come out of his own head, one that he feels ownership of—a magical transformation takes place; and it is a transformation not only of the child but of you! Instead of his manager (or his Drill Sergeant) you now have become his consultant! You are in a position to say “can I help you with your goal?” The initiative has shifted. Since it is his goal, he is responsible for it, he is invested in it, and he cares about it and is motivated to work for it. And your help becomes something he begins to appreciate and even seek rather than something he resents or is intimidated by.
Monday, November 21, 2011
“advance decision”
The “advance decision” method for making “right-wrong” decisions has resonated well with parents we have talked with all over the world. Some of the most gratifying feedback we get is from parents who brag a little about the list of decisions their kids have made on the back pages of their journals and how much safer those kids (and the parents) feel now that they have a certain ownership of those choices.
And teaching kids how to analyze and list pros and cons for their multi-alternative decisions gives them a powerful feeling of ownership for the choices they make. This kind of ownership increases commitment and generates a true sense of responsibility and an acceptance of consequences.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Trial and error
I (Richard) am a product of the Harvard Business School, where everything is taught and learned by the case study method, and the whole idea is to put yourself in hypothetical situations with imagined challenges and problems in order to think through in advance the pros and cons of certain actions and to practice decision making and analysis vicariously—to make decisions with a cool head and with proper calculations and ahead of time rather than at the moment of pressure and urgency. If grownups need this kind of training and preventative medicine, why not give the same thing to our children?!
Trial and error is one of the worst (and most painful) ways to learn and to choose. We should do everything possible to help our kids avoid the pain and to think things through in advance when they can be calm and analytical and can apply their best thinking and their best instincts to things. And the best way we have found to do that is this “Decisions in Advance” method. It literally gives kids ownership because they have thought through the choice and made it, therefore, they own it. It is theirs. And because they own it, they will be inclined to protect it and to keep it. It is not a guarantee, but it is a valuable barrier that will be one more line of protection between our kids and the ever growing array of mistakes that are laid out so attractively before them.
The case study or decision in advance methodology does not only apply to the avoidance of bad choices. It can also be helpful in making good and potential-fulfilling choices before the less beneficial detours become evident and distracting in our kids lives. For example, the decisions in advance list might include “To graduate from college” or “To find a way to help the disadvantaged”. One teenager signed and dated and decided in advance to sit by someone in the high school lunch room once a week who was by themselves or looked like they needed a friend” It is amazing what kids come up with when presented with the opportunity (and with the encouragement of a praising and interested parent).
Using this idea with mid to older teens is not nearly as easy or simple, but it can still often be extremely useful. With older adolescents it usually requires some “personal testimonial” from a parent like “You know, I wish I had done this kind of thinking more when I was your age. We all make some choices we wish we could change, but we can sometimes start over and decide how we will do something from now on. I still do that, in fact, I have some “decisions in advance” I have made as an adult, and I want share them with you .”
Trial and error is one of the worst (and most painful) ways to learn and to choose. We should do everything possible to help our kids avoid the pain and to think things through in advance when they can be calm and analytical and can apply their best thinking and their best instincts to things. And the best way we have found to do that is this “Decisions in Advance” method. It literally gives kids ownership because they have thought through the choice and made it, therefore, they own it. It is theirs. And because they own it, they will be inclined to protect it and to keep it. It is not a guarantee, but it is a valuable barrier that will be one more line of protection between our kids and the ever growing array of mistakes that are laid out so attractively before them.
The case study or decision in advance methodology does not only apply to the avoidance of bad choices. It can also be helpful in making good and potential-fulfilling choices before the less beneficial detours become evident and distracting in our kids lives. For example, the decisions in advance list might include “To graduate from college” or “To find a way to help the disadvantaged”. One teenager signed and dated and decided in advance to sit by someone in the high school lunch room once a week who was by themselves or looked like they needed a friend” It is amazing what kids come up with when presented with the opportunity (and with the encouragement of a praising and interested parent).
Using this idea with mid to older teens is not nearly as easy or simple, but it can still often be extremely useful. With older adolescents it usually requires some “personal testimonial” from a parent like “You know, I wish I had done this kind of thinking more when I was your age. We all make some choices we wish we could change, but we can sometimes start over and decide how we will do something from now on. I still do that, in fact, I have some “decisions in advance” I have made as an adult, and I want share them with you .”
Thursday, November 10, 2011
"Decisions I Have Made in Advance.”
Once children are eight or nine (and even more effectively as they approach the teen years) you can do something much more comprehensive and personal than the consequence game. Kids this age are conceptual and logical enough, with your help, to think very specifically about some important decisions they will face in the immediate years ahead. And it is this kind of “advance thinking” that will give them ownership of the choices they will make.
Start by getting your child a nice journal or diary (journaling is a good idea for many reasons) and help her set aside the last couple of pages for “Decisions I Have Made in Advance.” Write that heading at the top of the page and ask your child if she can think of some choices she can make right now even though it may not be time to implement them yet.
Start by getting your child a nice journal or diary (journaling is a good idea for many reasons) and help her set aside the last couple of pages for “Decisions I Have Made in Advance.” Write that heading at the top of the page and ask your child if she can think of some choices she can make right now even though it may not be time to implement them yet.
Monday, November 7, 2011
know what is going on in your children’s’ lives
First of all, parents need to know what is going on in their children’s’ lives. The importance of observation cannot be overstated. It can be very time consuming and distracting for parents who are struggling with multiple demands and obligations of their own yet there is no substitute for it. Parental awareness of what kids are doing, who they are with, what they are watching or playing or listening to, is a fundamental preventive measure.
I (Linda) decided long ago that I would, despite the inconvenience, drive more car pools and create more opportunities to entice kids to congregate at our home rather than somewhere else. I figured that the more chances I had to observe my kids and how they interact with other kids the more I would know about what was going on in their heads.
It is amazing what kids talk about with each other in a car while you are driving them to a ball game or a dance lesson or a field trip. It’s like they forget you are there, and oh, the things you can learn. The same kinds of interesting observations come when they are hanging out at your house. I have always tried to have the best snacks, the most games, anything that would make them say “Let’s go to the Eyres,” and my unapologetic motive was to do as much legitimate eavesdropping as possible.
Find the best ways to ask and listen, and find the best times. Generally, the later it is at night, the more a pre teen will tell you. And the worst time is often right after school when we say “how was your day?” and they say “Fine” and we say “how was school?” and they say “Fine” and we say “would you like to elaborate?” and they say “no” or “what?”
Even beyond an awareness of what kids are thinking, parents need concrete ways to help their kids anticipate some of the dangers and temptations they will face and to understand that they can own those choices, that they can make good decisions with cool heads before they get in unexpected situations they can’t control. While these are not substitutes for investing time and effort in observing and listening to your children, the methods suggested here address the need we hear so many parents express for ways to give their kids real ownership of their choices.
I (Linda) decided long ago that I would, despite the inconvenience, drive more car pools and create more opportunities to entice kids to congregate at our home rather than somewhere else. I figured that the more chances I had to observe my kids and how they interact with other kids the more I would know about what was going on in their heads.
It is amazing what kids talk about with each other in a car while you are driving them to a ball game or a dance lesson or a field trip. It’s like they forget you are there, and oh, the things you can learn. The same kinds of interesting observations come when they are hanging out at your house. I have always tried to have the best snacks, the most games, anything that would make them say “Let’s go to the Eyres,” and my unapologetic motive was to do as much legitimate eavesdropping as possible.
Find the best ways to ask and listen, and find the best times. Generally, the later it is at night, the more a pre teen will tell you. And the worst time is often right after school when we say “how was your day?” and they say “Fine” and we say “how was school?” and they say “Fine” and we say “would you like to elaborate?” and they say “no” or “what?”
Even beyond an awareness of what kids are thinking, parents need concrete ways to help their kids anticipate some of the dangers and temptations they will face and to understand that they can own those choices, that they can make good decisions with cool heads before they get in unexpected situations they can’t control. While these are not substitutes for investing time and effort in observing and listening to your children, the methods suggested here address the need we hear so many parents express for ways to give their kids real ownership of their choices.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Thinking about choices
It is by thinking about choices,
along with their alternatives and their consequences
that we come to own them.
Elementary age children are capable of gaining this type of ownership,
and of making many of the their most important decisions in advance!
Kids don’t make bad decisions intentionally or with malice.
They make thoughtless choices because they feel no ownership—and because
they are unprepared and have not anticipated the overwhelming tension and temptation of certain moments.
In short, they get blindsided by peer pressure.
Not thinking things through or taking responsibility for choices may explain why kids fail to make good decisions, but it does not fully explain why so many kids make so many really bad choices—the kind that reduces their chances for long and short term happiness and success.
What makes adolescents experiment with drugs, or shoplift or do something destructive just for the “fun” of it? Are they plotting and conniving little criminals—evil, black-hearted demons who are hell bent on getting into trouble and making their (and your) lives harder? Or are they making spur of the moment mistakes because they are blindsided by situations they never anticipated and by peer pressure they are completely unprepared for?
Could a little advance preparation, in the form of role-playing or “case studies” help them anticipate and be prepared for the tough moments when hormonal activity or the desire for acceptance is driving them to do something foolish? Could thinking through decisions before they are actually confronted give kids ownership of their choices?
along with their alternatives and their consequences
that we come to own them.
Elementary age children are capable of gaining this type of ownership,
and of making many of the their most important decisions in advance!
Kids don’t make bad decisions intentionally or with malice.
They make thoughtless choices because they feel no ownership—and because
they are unprepared and have not anticipated the overwhelming tension and temptation of certain moments.
In short, they get blindsided by peer pressure.
Not thinking things through or taking responsibility for choices may explain why kids fail to make good decisions, but it does not fully explain why so many kids make so many really bad choices—the kind that reduces their chances for long and short term happiness and success.
What makes adolescents experiment with drugs, or shoplift or do something destructive just for the “fun” of it? Are they plotting and conniving little criminals—evil, black-hearted demons who are hell bent on getting into trouble and making their (and your) lives harder? Or are they making spur of the moment mistakes because they are blindsided by situations they never anticipated and by peer pressure they are completely unprepared for?
Could a little advance preparation, in the form of role-playing or “case studies” help them anticipate and be prepared for the tough moments when hormonal activity or the desire for acceptance is driving them to do something foolish? Could thinking through decisions before they are actually confronted give kids ownership of their choices?
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