One of our daughters had one of those friends that you wish would move to Wisconsin or somewhere else far away. This little eighth grade buddy of our daughter Sally was always saying things we wished she wouldn’t hear, giving her ideas we wished she hadn’t thought of and bragging about things she could do that we didn’t allow our daughter to do.
One day she told Sally that she got $100. for every A on her report card, and Sally, of course, brought it to our immediate and urgent attention.
We had always had a thing against paying for grades. It was not a part of our family economy, and it seemed like such an artificial motivation and a bad substitute for an understanding of the lifetime “real value” of education.
But it sounded pretty good to Sally!
We thought about it for a couple of days and sort of blundered on to an answer that actually worked beyond our expectations.
I started looking up studies I had heard about regarding education-based variables in people’s earning potential and found that in that particular year, the median annual income (in round numbers) for people without a high school degree was $25,000, for those with a high school degree it was 35,000, for those with a college degree it was 56,000, and for those with a professional graduate degree it was over 100,000.
I shared these numbers with Sally, and we talked about the connections between grades and getting into colleges, getting into really good colleges, and going to graduate school. She must have done a little thinking about it, because I from the back seat of the car pool a few days later, I heard this conversation:
Sally: How much is it that you get for every A?
Friend: $100.00. How much do you get?
Sally: Well, I actually get like $75,000.00 every year for the rest of my life if I get mostly A’s
Her explanation of that to her friend was not very complete, and I’m not sure the friend got it. But the point is that Sally got it, and her motivation for working for good grades was based on real numbers from the real world rather than on some form of parental bribery.
And it was also kind of fun to hear her little know-it-all friend become fairly speechless for once in her life.
One of our daughters had one of those friends that you wish would move to Wisconsin or somewhere else far away. This little eighth grade buddy of our daughter Sally was always saying things we wished she wouldn’t hear, giving her ideas we wished she hadn’t thought of and bragging about things she could do that we didn’t allow our daughter to do.
One day she told Sally that she got $100. for every A on her report card, and Sally, of course, brought it to our immediate and urgent attention.
We had always had a thing against paying for grades. It was not a part of our family economy, and it seemed like such an artificial motivation and a bad substitute for an understanding of the lifetime “real value” of education.
But it sounded pretty good to Sally!
We thought about it for a couple of days and sort of blundered on to an answer that actually worked beyond our expectations.
I started looking up studies I had heard about regarding education-based variables in people’s earning potential and found that in that particular year, the median annual income (in round numbers) for people without a high school degree was $25,000, for those with a high school degree it was 35,000, for those with a college degree it was 56,000, and for those with a professional graduate degree it was over 100,000.
I shared these numbers with Sally, and we talked about the connections between grades and getting into colleges, getting into really good colleges, and going to graduate school. She must have done a little thinking about it, because I from the back seat of the car pool a few days later, I heard this conversation:
Sally: How much is it that you get for every A?
Friend: $100.00. How much do you get?
Sally: Well, I actually get like $75,000.00 every year for the rest of my life if I get mostly A’s
Her explanation of that to her friend was not very complete, and I’m not sure the friend got it. But the point is that Sally got it, and her motivation for working for good grades was based on real numbers from the real world rather than on some form of parental bribery.
And it was also kind of fun to hear her little know-it-all friend become fairly speechless for once in her life.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
“How can I protect my kids?”
Instilling a sense of ownership in our children with regard to their physical bodies may be the best answer to one of the most common of all parental questions, “How can I protect my kids?”
This is an area where “learning by trial and error and by personal experience” is the worst of all possible methods. We must try to tie ownership of the body directly to ownership of values, choices and goals and to find “vicarious” methods of examples, case studies and talking things through in advance that will give children the strong desire to care for and protect their own bodies.
This is an area where “learning by trial and error and by personal experience” is the worst of all possible methods. We must try to tie ownership of the body directly to ownership of values, choices and goals and to find “vicarious” methods of examples, case studies and talking things through in advance that will give children the strong desire to care for and protect their own bodies.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
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The real key to giving children a positive, happy sense of ownership of their own body is to focus on the wonder and beauty of the physical and to make the body the subject of respect and awe. This works so much better than negative, fear-based approaches.
A good analogy that many parents have used successfully with their children is that of a horse and a bridle. Simple discussions with fairly young kids can build around questions like this:
How much do you weigh son?
Do you know how much a horse weighs?
About 10 times as much as you! And how strong do you think horses are?
Then let me ask you this. How can people ride horses and make them do what the rider wants?
A bridle is an interesting thing. It has a bit that goes between the horses teeth, and you can make them turn or stop or do what you want with just a gentle pull on the reigns. Isn’t that cool?
Now here’s the thing: Our appetites are kind of like horses. What are some of our appetites? For what?
Are these appetites pretty strong?
So just like with the horse, what might we need?
What could be a “bridle” for our appetite for food? What could be a “bridle” for our appetite to just sleep all day? What could be a bridle for our appetite to try drugs? What could be a bridle for our appetite to try sex while we are still too young?
If you are intrigued by this “bridling” metaphor, a whole book is available on it, written by someone with the pseudonym of “Dr. Bridell” which you can find on Amazon.
The Car Analogy
For many kids, an interest in cars starts early, and peaks as it gets close to the time when they can drive. So car analogies often work.
What determines how long a car will last?
What do we have to put into a car?
How do impurities affect it?
What can ruin the paint?
How do we fix it?
The analogies are endless.
A good analogy that many parents have used successfully with their children is that of a horse and a bridle. Simple discussions with fairly young kids can build around questions like this:
How much do you weigh son?
Do you know how much a horse weighs?
About 10 times as much as you! And how strong do you think horses are?
Then let me ask you this. How can people ride horses and make them do what the rider wants?
A bridle is an interesting thing. It has a bit that goes between the horses teeth, and you can make them turn or stop or do what you want with just a gentle pull on the reigns. Isn’t that cool?
Now here’s the thing: Our appetites are kind of like horses. What are some of our appetites? For what?
Are these appetites pretty strong?
So just like with the horse, what might we need?
What could be a “bridle” for our appetite for food? What could be a “bridle” for our appetite to just sleep all day? What could be a bridle for our appetite to try drugs? What could be a bridle for our appetite to try sex while we are still too young?
If you are intrigued by this “bridling” metaphor, a whole book is available on it, written by someone with the pseudonym of “Dr. Bridell” which you can find on Amazon.
The Car Analogy
For many kids, an interest in cars starts early, and peaks as it gets close to the time when they can drive. So car analogies often work.
What determines how long a car will last?
What do we have to put into a car?
How do impurities affect it?
What can ruin the paint?
How do we fix it?
The analogies are endless.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Relationship Goals
SUCCESS magazine asked us recently to write some columns and blogs for them and we replied that we would do it only if they would let us make an effort to redefine what “success” really is. (Most of their magazine is about wealth-building and career development, and we wanted to suggest that real and lasting success is more about relationships and family solidarity.)
They agreed, and we began to write about how goals can be just as effectively set for family and for relationships in the home as they can for achievements and accomplishments at work. Our formula centered on writing descriptions of an individual relationship with another family member as you would like it to be five years from now.
Even most accomplished adult goal-setters fail to realize how powerful a “relationship goal” can be. Instead of dealing with some kind of measurable achievement, a relationship goal focuses on improving a particular relationship with another family member or loved one.
And the vehicle for a relationship goal is a descriptive qualitative paragraph instead of a quantitative chart.
Relationship goals take imagination, so kids are often better at setting them than adults. The idea is to write a short description of the relationship you want to have with another family member five years from now. It can become a powerful shaper of the communication and bonds within a family!
One mom who tried this found that her two kids were better at it than she was. The three of them sat down on a Sunday afternoon in 2009, and each, on a piece of paper, tried to write down a “relationship goal” for the other two. The nine year old girl wrote”
“It is 2014, and I am fourteen. My brother is sixteen. He can drive now and he drives me to school. We enjoy being together because I am good at telling him what girls think. He looks after me. We tell each other everything and we trust each other. He helps me decide what classes to take and I help him with his math because I am better at it than he is. We are each other’s best friends.”
Whether these relationship descriptions ever come fully true or not, they can have a guiding influence on how kids view each other and communicate with each other (and with their parents!) They are a form of goal setting that is well worth the writing time in a couple of family meetings!
They agreed, and we began to write about how goals can be just as effectively set for family and for relationships in the home as they can for achievements and accomplishments at work. Our formula centered on writing descriptions of an individual relationship with another family member as you would like it to be five years from now.
Even most accomplished adult goal-setters fail to realize how powerful a “relationship goal” can be. Instead of dealing with some kind of measurable achievement, a relationship goal focuses on improving a particular relationship with another family member or loved one.
And the vehicle for a relationship goal is a descriptive qualitative paragraph instead of a quantitative chart.
Relationship goals take imagination, so kids are often better at setting them than adults. The idea is to write a short description of the relationship you want to have with another family member five years from now. It can become a powerful shaper of the communication and bonds within a family!
One mom who tried this found that her two kids were better at it than she was. The three of them sat down on a Sunday afternoon in 2009, and each, on a piece of paper, tried to write down a “relationship goal” for the other two. The nine year old girl wrote”
“It is 2014, and I am fourteen. My brother is sixteen. He can drive now and he drives me to school. We enjoy being together because I am good at telling him what girls think. He looks after me. We tell each other everything and we trust each other. He helps me decide what classes to take and I help him with his math because I am better at it than he is. We are each other’s best friends.”
Whether these relationship descriptions ever come fully true or not, they can have a guiding influence on how kids view each other and communicate with each other (and with their parents!) They are a form of goal setting that is well worth the writing time in a couple of family meetings!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Young children are really quite amazing when it comes to goals….because goal setting in its simple forms is a very natural and very instinctive process. Kids can quickly see the connections between what they do and what their results are, and they are empowered by making those connections.
The “Joy School” pre school* curriculum that we created many years ago has a unit called “the joy of order and goal-striving” which focuses on giving three and four year olds experiences which lead to a sense of personal accomplishment and control over parts of their environment. We have had quite remarkable feedback about preschool goal-setting experiences from parents/teachers….
One three year old set his goal to stop sucking his thumb. The timeframe was two weeks, and after the first week he was pretty discouraged. “I just can’t help it!” he said. The second week, we were showing the kids how to make a plan to reach their goal, and this little guy brought his little piece of tattered blanket that he rubbed when he sucked his thumb and said “put this up on the refrigerator and don’t let me have it because if I do, I will never reach my goal.”
Another joy school kid, a four year old girl, set a goal to learn to tie her shoe by herself. We made her a pie chart with eight wedges and she decided to color one in each time she worked on the goal. By the time she had colored in all eight wedges, she could do it, and you have never seen a prouder face!
Once a child has really set a goal of his own—one that has come out of his own head, one that he feels ownership of—a magical transformation takes place; and it is a transformation not only of the child but of you! Instead of his manager (or his Drill Sergeant) you now have become his consultant! You are in a position to say “can I help you with your goal?” The initiative has shifted. Since it is his goal, he is responsible for it, he is invested in it, and he cares about it and is motivated to work for it. And your help becomes something he begins to appreciate and even seek rather than something he resents or is intimidated by.
The “Joy School” pre school* curriculum that we created many years ago has a unit called “the joy of order and goal-striving” which focuses on giving three and four year olds experiences which lead to a sense of personal accomplishment and control over parts of their environment. We have had quite remarkable feedback about preschool goal-setting experiences from parents/teachers….
One three year old set his goal to stop sucking his thumb. The timeframe was two weeks, and after the first week he was pretty discouraged. “I just can’t help it!” he said. The second week, we were showing the kids how to make a plan to reach their goal, and this little guy brought his little piece of tattered blanket that he rubbed when he sucked his thumb and said “put this up on the refrigerator and don’t let me have it because if I do, I will never reach my goal.”
Another joy school kid, a four year old girl, set a goal to learn to tie her shoe by herself. We made her a pie chart with eight wedges and she decided to color one in each time she worked on the goal. By the time she had colored in all eight wedges, she could do it, and you have never seen a prouder face!
Once a child has really set a goal of his own—one that has come out of his own head, one that he feels ownership of—a magical transformation takes place; and it is a transformation not only of the child but of you! Instead of his manager (or his Drill Sergeant) you now have become his consultant! You are in a position to say “can I help you with your goal?” The initiative has shifted. Since it is his goal, he is responsible for it, he is invested in it, and he cares about it and is motivated to work for it. And your help becomes something he begins to appreciate and even seek rather than something he resents or is intimidated by.
Monday, November 21, 2011
“advance decision”
The “advance decision” method for making “right-wrong” decisions has resonated well with parents we have talked with all over the world. Some of the most gratifying feedback we get is from parents who brag a little about the list of decisions their kids have made on the back pages of their journals and how much safer those kids (and the parents) feel now that they have a certain ownership of those choices.
And teaching kids how to analyze and list pros and cons for their multi-alternative decisions gives them a powerful feeling of ownership for the choices they make. This kind of ownership increases commitment and generates a true sense of responsibility and an acceptance of consequences.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Trial and error
I (Richard) am a product of the Harvard Business School, where everything is taught and learned by the case study method, and the whole idea is to put yourself in hypothetical situations with imagined challenges and problems in order to think through in advance the pros and cons of certain actions and to practice decision making and analysis vicariously—to make decisions with a cool head and with proper calculations and ahead of time rather than at the moment of pressure and urgency. If grownups need this kind of training and preventative medicine, why not give the same thing to our children?!
Trial and error is one of the worst (and most painful) ways to learn and to choose. We should do everything possible to help our kids avoid the pain and to think things through in advance when they can be calm and analytical and can apply their best thinking and their best instincts to things. And the best way we have found to do that is this “Decisions in Advance” method. It literally gives kids ownership because they have thought through the choice and made it, therefore, they own it. It is theirs. And because they own it, they will be inclined to protect it and to keep it. It is not a guarantee, but it is a valuable barrier that will be one more line of protection between our kids and the ever growing array of mistakes that are laid out so attractively before them.
The case study or decision in advance methodology does not only apply to the avoidance of bad choices. It can also be helpful in making good and potential-fulfilling choices before the less beneficial detours become evident and distracting in our kids lives. For example, the decisions in advance list might include “To graduate from college” or “To find a way to help the disadvantaged”. One teenager signed and dated and decided in advance to sit by someone in the high school lunch room once a week who was by themselves or looked like they needed a friend” It is amazing what kids come up with when presented with the opportunity (and with the encouragement of a praising and interested parent).
Using this idea with mid to older teens is not nearly as easy or simple, but it can still often be extremely useful. With older adolescents it usually requires some “personal testimonial” from a parent like “You know, I wish I had done this kind of thinking more when I was your age. We all make some choices we wish we could change, but we can sometimes start over and decide how we will do something from now on. I still do that, in fact, I have some “decisions in advance” I have made as an adult, and I want share them with you .”
Trial and error is one of the worst (and most painful) ways to learn and to choose. We should do everything possible to help our kids avoid the pain and to think things through in advance when they can be calm and analytical and can apply their best thinking and their best instincts to things. And the best way we have found to do that is this “Decisions in Advance” method. It literally gives kids ownership because they have thought through the choice and made it, therefore, they own it. It is theirs. And because they own it, they will be inclined to protect it and to keep it. It is not a guarantee, but it is a valuable barrier that will be one more line of protection between our kids and the ever growing array of mistakes that are laid out so attractively before them.
The case study or decision in advance methodology does not only apply to the avoidance of bad choices. It can also be helpful in making good and potential-fulfilling choices before the less beneficial detours become evident and distracting in our kids lives. For example, the decisions in advance list might include “To graduate from college” or “To find a way to help the disadvantaged”. One teenager signed and dated and decided in advance to sit by someone in the high school lunch room once a week who was by themselves or looked like they needed a friend” It is amazing what kids come up with when presented with the opportunity (and with the encouragement of a praising and interested parent).
Using this idea with mid to older teens is not nearly as easy or simple, but it can still often be extremely useful. With older adolescents it usually requires some “personal testimonial” from a parent like “You know, I wish I had done this kind of thinking more when I was your age. We all make some choices we wish we could change, but we can sometimes start over and decide how we will do something from now on. I still do that, in fact, I have some “decisions in advance” I have made as an adult, and I want share them with you .”
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